Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Hanging out - Feeling Like I'm Proud enough.

I'd like to start off by saying that I think having pride in oneself is important. Coming together to celebrate that as a community is also incredibly important. However, I think it's important to qualify that with the condition; "when it's genuine."

As we roll into June there are a variety of festivals taking place to celebrate all kinds of diversity. As we roll into the events that take place it seems like everyone and their dog (literally in some cases) are coming out of the wood work to be friendly and encourage attendance.


Over the past few weeks I've had a barrage of unsolicited invitations to various events on social networks, by text and in person. To the point where I'm closing event reminders daily (sometimes multiple times a day) to things I never accepted because social networks “conveniently” add them to my calendar automatically.


Now, to explain why I don't participate.  Reason number one is lack of time/energy. That one is self explanatory and before someone jumps up and says "reprioritize" wait for reason two.
Reason two, a general lack of interest as a result of a variety of things. One of them is, I don't have an interest genuinely in the events taking place. Another could be, I've got nothing to wear (seems trite, but relevant as you read on.) Finally, I'm pretty introverted and don't really enjoy rolling solo to an event where I don't know anyone (but that's the only way to meet people you say? Keep reading.)
Now as we boil down my experience I can sum it up succinctly by saying, "I don't feel like I want to belong to this community of people based merely on one aspect of who I am.  There are many more interesting things about myself than who I get intimate with."


A few things about me many people are surprised when they find out:

Cool stuff
  • I Speak three languages
  • I ride a motorbike
  • I remember things triggered by dates, smells, and music. It's nearly perfect memory when it happens
  • I like the sunrise and sunset
Not so cool stuff
  • I have depression with an anxiety booster
  • I don't like who I am when I'm in certain situations (mostly group social settings) 
  • I'm vicious and ruthless when I'm on the defensive, so I'm constantly thinking if someone is intentionally being a jerk or if I just ignore it. (Exhausting) 

So, coming back to festivals and community. I don't fit. It's not my community, it's a community of people bound by one small facet of their being. It's a festival that brings people together for a week, likened to lent, where they try to make up for all the mean spirited things they have done to each other over the past year.

I've never seen a group of people with so much disdain for each other that they are ruthless in their bullying, relentless in their torment and with zero regard for peoples feelings in their interaction.  I mean, when was the last time someone in your community made you feel so excluded because of your sense of style, a hairstyle, the outfit you had on, or your physical appearance. I've seen it happening, dealt with the fallout when someone else had been beaten down so badly they were inconsolable, it's happened to me, and regrettably I've done it to others as well.

After having been on the sidelines for the better part of a decade now, (Relationship and recovery) I find myself facing some of these challenges again on a daily basis with people from the community.  I’ve all but given up, because for every 40 conversations, you end up with one that is notable and worth pursuing a friendship with.  Genuine and confident people are the cats ass.

In the meantime, I live in a remote, fairly progressive community.  I’ve begun socializing with people locally now, because I seem to have a higher rate of success in meeting genuine people.  I don’t hide who I am, and I encourage any questions people have and make it a point to respectfully answer most of them.

This experience has taught me that I don't need to go and be a part of a festival with people who are strangers to me. I have friends, neighbours and family right here at home that are becoming a larger part of my day to day life. I appreciate them, they build me up, I build them up. It's beautiful.  It's how it should be.

So, until I feel like the community of strangers decides that they need to build each other up consistently and genuinely in order to celebrate successes rather than challenge people to failure. I'm out! (See what I did there)

If you need to find me, I'll be drinking beer with the people close to me who don’t care if I’m wearing designer labels, or matching socks.  This is where I feel at home, and a part of something that I had been trying to find all along.

To everyone out there celebrating this week, stay safe, love each other inherently and without limits, each and every one of you is unique, and amazing!  Even the mean ones... You're just shielding yourself. I get it, I did it too. I hope that one day you find a place where you can set your shield down too.