Life

 

Just a series of events to look forward to so that we don’t lose all will to keep going. 

Watching all your friends get the things you always envisioned for yourself knowing the time has passed is hard. The biggest charity is being happy for them as your heart breaks more and more by their success. But being too selfless to tell them how you’re feeling because you don’t want to piss on their parade. 

Investing energy in people with the hopes (expectation) that they will know to send it back your way when you need it. Then feeling defeated/insignificant when that doesn’t happen. Which makes you want to give up putting in the effort, but knowing how hard you fight when you’re not good keeps you from ever doing it to someone else in case you’re the only thing keeping them tethered to your world. 

Being honest about all the good feelings and thoughts and fighting the urge to share the bad thoughts with someone so that your worlds serve to build people instead. 

Wondering when you will find the balance. 

Remorse a poem

I made you my second choice. 

Time made me regret my first choice. 

You didn’t wait around for me to realize the mistake.

I don’t know how long your heart was broken. 

I don’t know if you forgave me. 

Now, I’m the one who’s heart is broken. 

But it’s me that is to blame

Getting Dumped when you're single

Took a bit of a hiatus for a while from posting, back at it now, and what better way that to tell you about one of my very first experiences dating, or whatever it is that kids call it these days.

Backing up a bit... I dropped back down from base camp a while back and little would I have known that people had missed me.  I was feeling particularly loved and not needing to be alone with my thoughts as much.  This was quite a development for me. I mean, I had spent a lot of my time hiding, and avoiding people.  So, when I'm in the midst of people and I was able to make new friends, and have different connections.  It was cool, and a bit strange. I grew some confidence and decided that it would be alright to start trying to find some romance for my life.

To say that things had changed in the dating world in a decade was an understatement.  We went from flip phones to flipping through a flow of images and matching others who made a 5 second judgement of us based on what we could cram into a picture taken at arms length. There was a lot of marketing to this new reality.  I never was a good game player or sales person.  Never the less I garnered up the strength to push on and plant the seeds towards a friendship or romance. Here's how it went.

The culture around dating, has become very transactional, people don't want to settle down, they want a quick and dirty interaction with someone.  Then when all is said and done, they move along only to come back later on.  Or, at least this is how it seemed to me. Trying to find someone willing to be more than a quick romp as proving to be difficult.  Before I knew it, I was dodging people like they were shooting at me with a pellet gun.  Not unlike this art that looks like its been pierced with random pieces of aluminum.

So, back to the story of how I got dumped while being single.  It's not such a story about someone intentionally being a terrible human, and being selfish. Well, that's how I frame it in my mind.  Allow me to present the facts;

I met the individual online we chatted for a few weeks and they showed interest.  Immediately, I noted a 12 year age gap and approached cautiously. I found them very attractive (still do) so that was another red flag for me.  How can someone attractive not be involved.  I found out they had studied arts, and it was interesting enough.  They took interest in some things I didn't know anything about.  That's alright I can learn about new things.

At the time, I was getting ready to leave on a trip to Europe. I made it clear that I was going to be gone for 4 weeks and that I didn't think it would be smart to start anything before I left. Things were relaxed and casual between the two of us when we met up.  On one occasion we hooked up.  It was nice, but it didn't plant a seed that I should change my mind about keeping things on hold until after I got home.

I've found with people, they either get to know me and really like me after a week or two, or they don't.  Some people don't try for a second meeting. That's ok, I've never quite understood how people can figure out if a person is friendship material or not after 20 minutes, but it happens.

There was a point on one of our meet ups where this individual mentioned that they wanted me to not worry about feeling any type of attachment while I was gone on my trip.  I wasn't worried about that at all, and reiterated that I wasn't at that point with them, and definitely was going to behave as though I were single.

So, I head off to Europe, casually chatting with the individual while I was gone and seeing how things were going with them and the various events they were attending that I happened to be missing out on.  After a few days, I noticed that the messages got more and more infrequent.  Perfectly normal, there was a pretty big time difference between us, so maybe they were not sure of the time, and didn't want to wake me. I didn't think too much of it.  A few more days went by, and the responses were slow, and became one word responses.  Uh-oh.  The natural flow of conversation we had was losing strength.  Being the guy I am.  I asked about it directly.

Me: "Hey, is everything cool?  I've been getting a pretty solid fuck off vibe from you lately..."
Them: "Yeah, but we should probably have a long talk when you get home..."
Me: "I have time right now, lets talk."
Them: "It's something we should talk about in person..."
Me: "Alright, well, I'll be home in 3 weeks, talk then?"
Them: "Sounds good"

So, with that exchange, I made a few assumptions, I let a lot of it go, which gave me strength.  In the past, I would let things get me worked up for no reason.  Now, I see no point getting all mixed up like cooked up bahn mi mixed up with chia seeds.  This vacation needed to flow, and there was no point in starting to behave like something bad was coming.  I didn't actually know what was up, I had to remember that. So, I decided I'd wait till I was home to interact with this individual again.

I got home, all was well.  I reached out to my friend that needed to have a long talk with me. They spilled their guts out over text.  So, there was no "in person" talk. I wasn't overly surprised.  I've become very astute with my ability to have little faith in people.  This was another confirmation of that. So what did they need to talk about, you ask.

The conversation was quick, and silly overall.  They told me they had met someone just after I had left, and were really concerned with how I would react.  I'm not sure how one would expect me to react, considering the situation.  I was happy for them, which probably confused them. I read between the lines in the conversation a little bit and asked, "did you think that you and I were exclusive?"  They said they did.

Their behaviour now made complete sense, they had been writhing in guilt for a few weeks, but really, how much guilt could there have been?  They were now dating this individual that they met weeks prior.  I was genuinely happy for them, hoped for the best.  They wanted to make sure we could still hang out as friends because they enjoyed time with me.  I was totally okay with that, and said sure.  I poked at them for not telling me weeks prior as it wasn't a huge deal, and they had felt guilty the whole time for nothing. They said they felt silly, I told them they should. We left it at that, and I didn't really hear from them again.

So, if you want to know what kind of person I am, I'm the person that gets cheated on, and dumped, all without even knowing I was dating anyone.  Either I'm clueless, or I'm a special kind of loser. I have to laugh, otherwise I'll cry.  So, when people want to know why I disappear into the hills for years at a time, it's because humanity thinks it's alright to treat me this way.

As expected, a few months later, I got a text from the "cheater" they wanted to hang out, since they were single again.  I asked what happened, they were vague about things and said only that "(the relationship) wasn't good for my health..." and "...a story better told in person..."

It was around this time that I decided that I would be ok being single forever.

Looking in from outside the circle.

I was recently invited to be in a polyamorous relationship.   I said no, I feel like maybe the response came as a shock to the individual. 

There are a few very interesting thoughts that passed through my mind when this “Opportunity” presented itself.   Before I get into those, let me give you some background. 

A few years ago, before I wandered up into the mountains, I was fairly seriously involved someone I can only describe as the Ying to my Yang, to say we had our differences was obvious.  It was very much a classic Notebook tale.  Except neither of us wrote letters every day, nor built the other a house in the blind faith that someday we would come back together.  Yeah, it was nothing like that.   There is always an end to each great tale, ours ended with a conversation around being in an open relationship. Let me list off some of the reasons why an open relationship doesn’t work for me.

1. We did not have a strong enough relationship to support one. (We didn’t know how to talk)
2. I’m insecure
3. I believe that open relationships are a stop on relationship cycle before single. 

So that’s that.

Fast forward a few years, and I have met a few more folks, and have gone out with a few more people as a single person.  I’ve learned some more about myself and confirmed the old truths. 

1. I’m not wired for casual sex (might be why an open relationship has no appeal)
2. I am a hopeless romantic, which is tough in a hook up culture
3. It’s easier to be alone, than unhappy.

Now, you have an idea of where my head is at with respect to dating, sex, relationships, etc. Pretty conservative I would say, I’ve never denied that. 

Now, I feel it is important to explain the differences between polyamory and an open relationship. 

Polyamory, is when one or more person in the relationship wants to love more than one person at the same time, both emotionally and physically.   These relationships can get very complicated, sometimes, there are three people, sometimes there are twenty.  Sometimes, all members are polyamorous with multiple people.  The web gets quite woven.  It really just sounds like a big orgy, one person at a time.  One of the observations someone pointed out is that it is not uncommon for the person who declares themselves as polyamorous in the relationship is territorial and doesn’t wish for their partners to be unfaithful.  Hardly seems like a “What’s good for the goose, is good for the gander” type of situation to me at all. So, where does that leave the other parties.  Sitting around waiting for some love and attention on the terms of the polyamorous person?  Hmmmm, yeah, if I’m going to sit around and wait by the phone for your love, I’ll just download tinder and wait for someone to match with, and i’ll message them.  They’ll talk to me on their terms as well. 

An Open relationship is one where a couple who are together decide as a couple that it is okay for one or both to partake in physical relationships with other people outside of the confines of their relationship.  Or within it as a threesome, etc.   These types of arrangements aren’t terribly uncommon.  The folks in these relationships do cause for some clutter when it comes to swiping on apps.  I have found in a number of cases the people involved in these types of relationships sometimes hide their relationship status so that it doesn’t prevent them from attracting sexual partners.   That crosses over into morals and ethics, which is a realm I don’t feel i’m exactly qualified to venture into. Considering I’ve cooked rodents in the mountains and served them to guests.

Coming back to the offer of polyamory just recently, there has been someone who has been occupying my time for the better part of a few months.  We have expressed feelings for each other.  We have shared intimate secrets with each other.  We have an intense emotional connection.  Well, that’s how I felt until the other day.   

This person which I expected knew where I was at with all of the things above, decided that they wanted to invite me to be in a polyamorous relationship with them and others one of them being their ex.  They stated that the felt they can not bind themselves to just one person, and this was the best they could offer me.  

Well, frankly, what would have been a better offer would have been, “Hey, lets be friends, because I can’t offer you what you want. I want to be free to love who I love, and I know you wouldn’t want to be a part of that, because as a person that knows who you are, and has been listening to your views for how long, I was actually paying attention…” as opposed to “I can’t bind myself to only one person, and I have my ex back in my life, and I don’t want to choose between anyone, because it tears me up, so you should come play sister-wives with us…..”

I don’t know if this person gave a lot of thought to what responses they would get.  I also wonder if they did present everything in this way in a classic effort to push the people away more easily and without it seeming like it was their fault.

“I didn’t push you away, you didn’t want what I offered…..” is quite possibly the rationale for this person.  

So, my response was very carefully thought out.  I knew this conversation was coming and had a week to prepare myself for it.   I should have just responded, “No Thanks” and called it a day, but I felt that they put some effort into their explanation to me, and I should return the effort. So, I simply told them I knew how I felt about things and that this wouldn’t work for me, I also made it very clear that I don’t think there would ever be a possibility of any type of intimate relationship together.  We would never be a couple, even if they changed their priorities as this would always be some form of want for them and I would never feel comfortable binding them to me. 

So, I’m looking for some boring assed person, who will sit around and knit with me, while watching Netflix, or whatever.  Someone who will tell me when I smell bad. Someone who will laugh as they ask “are you okay?” when something stupid happens to me and my pride is hurt more than anything else. Monogamy is non negotiable, I don’t like sharing the goods.  There’s a pile of people out there that will give you exactly what you’re looking for.  I’m very aware of what I can offer. 

#StillSingle

Predictions

Here's what I think you've found out....

1) you're not in love with me like you think, you're probably reacting to how you think I want you to behave. Your actions don't match the words so I have a hard time believing you.

2) you don't like making people unhappy so you tell them what they want to hear in hope that they aren't hurt.

3) find out what makes you happy and do it, people who love and support you will back you up 100%

Conclusion:  Stop telling me what you think I want to hear. I don't want to hear that you think you love me then not back it up with actions.

Navigating the Roadblocks

Once in a while things happen where you run into roadblocks.  They’re either set there by you, for yourself as a stop gap in the journey to indicate that you know whats down that road, and you have no need to wander there.  

They could also be put there unintentionally by yourself not realizing you’re roadblocking yourself from getting somewhere.  These ones are usually the most frustrating ones because you know they’re there.  But, you may not necessarily realize that you’re the one that put them there.  If you are self aware enough to know that you’re the one that put them there, the last question is why are they there.  This honesty with oneself is a very difficult pill to swallow. 

I have a few very active roadblocks along my path, in my case I call them guard rails, because they aren’t blocking a particular path, they’re keeping me on the one that I’m on. These road blocks can be anything from a decision to stop allowing yourself to use someone as a filler, forcing you to actually identify what is happening with yourself to seek out something that fills the void.   Others examples could be that you believe that someone or something will cause you pain or try and harm you, because they haven’t figured out what they’re looking for so you put road blocks up preventing them from getting back to you.  These ones are the tricky kind, because obviously the person has power and control over you to get you to reach to this extent to protect yourself.  If you think you might be doing this to yourself or someone, ask yourself this; “Would someone who genuinely cares about me make me feel like I need to put up obstacles so they can’t get at me?”  It’s a very difficult question to answer honestly, and only you can do that for yourself.  I can’t tell you what the right answer for you is.  It all very much depends on the relationship you have with yourself.  We aren’t here to judge you for that.  

What we are here for is for me to share some of my struggles in a fun and happy anecdote so that people identify with someone else to feel less isolated.  That’s legitimately what I want to achieve here.  

Let me tell you about some newly discovered roadblocks in my life, these ones are ones where I’ve been have found road blocks when trying to maintain relationships with others.  A few years ago, I was out with someone who (now I realize) had developed feelings for me when I wasn’t at a point where I could even like myself, let alone fathom how anyone else could.  I kept them at arms length, encouraged their progress towards relationships, and one day I went to contact them to get an update on their life I found they didn’t know who was contacting them.  This didn’t shock me, what followed was complete silence, that’s what shocked me.  Knowing that not everyone is particularly good at dialogue and communication I dismissed it this time.  It wasn’t until a subsequent attempt to contact them ended the same way that I found that there was a definite road block up and I wasn’t welcome to wander down that path.  In fact, the freeway exit had been removed entirely and the highway had been re-routed.  Now, obviously this type of thing can be upsetting, you might feel angry that someone doesn’t want to share their life with you.  I didn’t go there, at no point did I blame the individual for anything other than not telling me what I did.  Which lead me to believe that whatever I did was beyond reproach in their mind. I didn’t deserve any explanation from them, even if I had asked.  (Which I did, and was  unanswered.)  So, to walk away from that, I internalized it and wondered if I had done something to self-sabotage the relationship, or if I just didn’t give them what they wanted and they moved along in a very definite way.  What’s troubling about this whole thing is that we had a friendship prior to any feelings being developed. Granted, the attraction was immediate. I don’t think that’s changed. 

There are many relationships we look back on and see how they fizzled off, how they ended abruptly, and how they will never be what they were.  This is an indication that we need to give ourselves closure.  It’s not easy to forgive ourselves when we blame ourselves for something when we don’t really know what we did.  In order to grow from it, we can reflect, as much as possible, try better next time.   The best course of action if it will make you feel better, is look in the general direction of where you think the person might be, whisper the words “I’m sorry, goodbye” and let the wind carry your message to them.  If you’re a believer in the powers of the universe delivering your message it will get there, and may just be the weight that gets lifted off their shoulders and carried away to make things better for them.  I mean, you initially hoped for good things for this person, that shouldn’t change just because you aren’t in their life, should it?

Being roadblocked is a form of rejection, it’s a challenge to accept and carry on from.  However, creating roadblocks for other people is commonplace and is just as rejecting for them as it would be for you.

I place roadblocks in a variety of ways.  The simplest is the “I’m really busy, too busy to contact you, even though I’m thinking about you every minute of the day, and not contacting you is really hard.” way of road blocking someone.  This is more of a test of the infrastructure and to see if they’ve picked up on how needy you are.  Most people know how needy other people in their lives are, so you may as well just let the gloves fall and either walk away all together (applying the Brad Pitt Rule) or fall on your sword and reach out.   If you’re playing either version of this game you need to ask yourself a couple of questions, “If they cared about me the way I want them to, I wouldn’t be going through this bullshit.”  Hard pill to swallow, but that’s the long and the short of it.  Especially if you feel like someone is just feeding you sporadically like a garden.  The key to a successful garden is daily nurturing and attention.  Watering some flowers once a week and hoping they flourish into a lush and beautiful landscape is likely going to lead to disappointment. 

The other roadblocks can range from placing people in the friendzone, or spending time with people who don’t have an interest, or distraction with projects, basecamps, or becoming a workaholic.  All of these things are effective for one thing, being alone.  If your end game is alone then there’s a recipe for that.  Hit the local pet shelter, adopt fifty cats, wander to a thrift store and pick up a few town gowns and some slacks for the front yard.  Become the eccentric that lives on the block watering their shrubs with a fedora and a tweed.  If you’re me, your end game isn’t alone with a tweed.  Your end game is someone who is adventurous and active that will motivate you to get out there and enjoy the world with someone.  You want someone you can show your favourite corners of the world to, Netflix and chill will be fine for the down time, but essentially, someone with stamps in all their passports is going to win your heart over.  They’re out there for all of us.  We just need to be at a point where we are ready to love ourselves enough to have that amplified by someone else.  Until then, keep watering that flower bed, renovating those houses, wandering hiking trails, going on adventures by yourself.  You might feel like the person for you will never be found because they are on the other side of the world doing what they love, while you’re over here doing what you love.  That’s why they invented layovers, and magical bumps in the road to shake us onto the path we were destined to. 

Karpe diem, have faith that the rougher the road the more right the path.  If success were easy, everyone would be successful.  (That’s a lot of cliches)

Yo-yo's and super bouncy balls

Welllllllll, Remember as a kid you would try to master the art of the yo-yo, or try to guess where the super bouncy balls would go when you threw them?

Meanwhile over on the other side of the yard you saw people playing Hackysack and never really understood why?

As you get older those memories fade and so does that innocent curiosity.  You become more calculated, your risks become less risky and your faith in others is less a matter of faith but more a matter of proof. 

I've found myself thinking back to my younger days a lot lately, there are a number of possible reasons. One of them could be that I yearn for a world where people just allow others to be.  Be happy, be alone, be moody, be in control of their own lives. Who are we to stop anyone from being, unless that state of being is hurting someone or infringing on rights. 

Everyone has an opinion and feels that that opinion is to be shared. We never think of how our opinion may be received, we just think it's our entitled thought and we are compelled to share it. We become critics of others lives, sometimes from armchairs, other times from right beside them. It's almost like we forget that people are genuinely doing what feels right for them. No one should get to stop that, so then, why is it people try so hard to steer others along the garden path.  Maybe that's not their garden path to walk? Maybe they're allergic and don't have any antihistamine.... who knows, so, do yourself a favour and stop trying to run other people's lives and just let them do what they do, and you do the same. The world will be a more beautiful place if we all just did what felt natural and right. 

Speaking of doing what feels natural and right, let's talk about someone that has the propensity to make you feel like a yo-yo. The typical folk out there that feels that when they need their validation they pull you in, when they don't need it they push you back out. The great part about these people is that they're not even aware they do it, but you are.... and it kind of hurts you to know that your just a filler. Why are you letting it happen? I'll tell you why.

We allow people to treat us badly because truly in our mind we believe that life is full of ups and downs and if we get some attention and validation from this person, it's an up and when we don't get that validation, it's a down. So the ups help us get through the downs. Here's a silly question..... what happens if they aren't there to give you the up at all? Would you still feel the down?  Why are we enabling this behaviour, it only hurts us.  We sit waiting for them to come around and sprinkle us with some pixie dust and hope everything will be perfect.  Fast forward two days, and we wonder where they are and why they're not available.  We are effectively their yo-yo. Cut the string and move on.  

The odd part about the other end of the string is that what's there is one of those bounce balls. No one can predict what's going to happen next, and we might be in the trajectory and could get hurt with the bouncing all over the place. Why not exit stage left and call it a day. Let the super bouncy ball whip around in a room that's got nothing in it except an abandoned yo-yo in the middle of the floor. 

We are all here for a finite amount of time. Spend it in ways that make you feel great. Don't invest more in people than they can return. There is such a thing as bad people stocks and you can lose a lot of time and energy with the wrong ones. 

It's all coming back to me now.....

When you can’t think of anything to talk about, but you want to just fall off the face of the planet for a while and be alone.  Yeah, that’s partly what I’m feeling right now. 

I’ve got so many things distracting me lately, but none of it is enough to actually distract me from being hurt, disappointed, or impatient.  The beautiful person that you know you want to be a part of your life, has said all of the right things to make you feel like its heading in the direction you want it to go.  You’re optimistic, and you even have the conversation about what the reality of them being a part of your life looks like.  All really real shit… Then, radio silence?  What the fuck?  

So you try to pry in and figure out what that’s about, and you get some back pedal story about the way they feel and how they’re worried about breaking your heart and theirs.  Maybe, just maybe they know what they’re talking about, but you suspect it’s more likely they didn’t know what the impact of what they were saying would have and once they started thinking about it they either got scared or something better came along.  

It all hurts the same, regardless of the cause.  So who’s to blame?  You, for believing and having faith?  Them, for not knowing what they wanted, or for being distracted by the next thing that came along?  Or is it really faultless?  Seems hard to not blame someone when it all feels so shitty, so you try to talk your way around it.  The crap about emotion is that logic and reasoning have no place here.  You don’t get to talk your way out of emotional pain, you just have to go through it until you adjust and it dulls. 

So, where do you go from here, it seems that the more open you are the more it hurts, the less open you are the more likely you will be to miss the boat. It feels like you can’t win.  So, the solution.  Distraction.  You buy a house and you fix it up, you start a project, you do things that are interesting and you see if they make you feel like you’re doing something productive with yourself. 

Keep doing what you love, and making the love, your faith will pay off.  This is the process.  You have no other way to learn but to go through this. 

Social Reset Time....

Every once in a while I need to "turn off" in order to refocus. Previously, I used to think this meant that I had to delete all my friends and start over. Now I've realized that I can just fall off the face of the planet so to speak and people won't mind as long as I make sure to come back.

I've been a bit over connected lately, which is ok as I have shared a lot with friends over the past few months.  Now that we are into the later part of march, I've decided that I am going to take some time for myself. Re-evaluate what I'm going to do for the rest of the year and beyond.

Try to get back into writing and focus more on being alone with myself and more real life human contact with people. There are great people all around me that I interact with daily through routine and by chance. I want to look up from the screen and say hi with a smile to strangers.

My goal is to focus on me, and the people in front of me until the beginning of April. Write some new stories, tell some old ones, get a new tattoo and think about the passions of my life, what sort of future I want to build, and what I intend on achieving in the next year.

To do this, I am going to do the following;

Voicemail - deactivated
Email - disconnected
Phone - set to family only calls/texts (my phone is set to ignore all calls that aren't on the list of family)
Facebook - logged out
Instagram - logged out

I will continue to follow my routine, I'll do things I enjoy doing, when I feel like it and allow the universe to provide me what I need when I need it.

Think about it like I'm on a safari for three weeks, or I'm in an insane asylum for three weeks with no visitors allowed. Whatever you need to do to get through it.

Think about me at random, say hi whenever you need to, but don't be hurt if there's no reply. I'm just doing me, this is what I want right now, I know it's hard to live without me,  but I don't keep people in my life that aren't amazing and strong so I know in my heart of hearts that you can survive this too.

Another test from the universe

I've been getting bounced around a little bit by the universe lately.  For some reason bad things tend to happen when things aren't on the right path.  As long as I follow my instinct and stop listening to all the other garbage around me, things tend to progress fine. 

But, what fun is that right?  

I mean how does one have a story to tell if they just sorta go with the flow and don't make some kind of memories?  You will never have a story to tell if you don't get a few bruises.

Well enough with the fucking bruises.  It seems like at my age it takes longer to heal from the emotional bumps and scrapes than it takes to make them. The guard might need to go up with respect to how I feel about people.  It's one of those things thats there, or it's not.  What I know is when it's there it's has the intensity of a thousand suns. (Say that in a voice over voice.)

So the universe keeps tossing these things on my pathway, maybe to determine where I am at, or maybe my guardian angels are up there at the bar looking at each other and deciding that they're bored and want to play with every sense of balance I have. 

I know that I've been down a similar path before, and I know how it goes.  Hmmm, I believe this is my third viable attempt at this.  So is that it, three strikes and you're out.  For all you football fans there's a nice little sports analogy for ya. Do I give up?  Well I made that decision a few days ago. Subconsciously.

I'm about to admit to something I'm not incredibly proud of.  I slept with someone that I wasn't emotionally connected with, in an effort to break an emotional connection to someone that I shouldn't have an emotional connection to. Yeah, that was probably the dumbest thing I've done this year.   Cause it doesn't work, that's why it's dumb.  What's worse, I feel like I cheated on someone that I'm not even in a relationship with, because I have an emotional tie to them.  

See?  Isn't my head a fantastic place to be?  I wish I could charge admission to tour it, I'd pay to wander around inside what is likely very akin to charlie's chocolate factory.  Picture it, a bunch of oompa loompas running around all zapped out from anxiety, depression, and crying or laughing, or being so over the top laisser-faire about most things.  Yeah that would be magical alright. 

Back to me being a typical gay dude, and doing what normal gay dudes do all the time.  Shaming myself for something that I really shouldn't feel any shame for.  The guy I hooked up with was pretty hot.  Somehow I manage to attract some gorgeous guys.  I just don't really know how to keep them..... maybe I'm not supposed to.  

Alright, well back to the pseudo, in my head, not real boyfriend/relationship I think I have to be faithful to.  I'm guilting myself for being unfaithful, but then, I get mad because that's not a thing.  Yet I'm still upset, and I'm being distant with the guy, who likely won't care anyhow that it happened.  If he does care about it, there's not really much either one of us can do about it unless we feel like maybe it's a good idea to shorten up the distance between us.  That's unlikely.

So, I'm pissed at myself for no reason, and I sit and think about it more.  I'm not pissed at myself.  I didn't do anything really wrong, or against any rules.  I'm worried, insecure, and nervous that he's doing the exact same thing, and when I find out about it I'll be jealous, upset, devastated.  So, now I'm talking myself through that, and the rational side of my brain says, "So what? he's not yours..."  then the other side of my brain says "yes, yes, yes, I know, I know......" and you go back and forth on this for a day or two until finally...

You just admit to yourself that you really want him to be yours, the reason you want that is because you're tired of being strong all the time, you want someone to pick up the pieces and put them back together.  You've spent three years collecting them and putting them in a box.  You don't have them all sorted, but someone else can glue the broken pieces and they did start already without knowing. They started mending you, and you felt good, and because it's been so long since you felt that you craved it.  You want it so bad that you would move mountains and stars to make them see how right you are. But, you're overlooking something critical.  They aren't ready.  You pushing is selfish.  You have to let go and move along, however you do that.  It's not that time. It's not your time.  You still have to find that one piece of the puzzle before the doors to the next level will unlock.  (Yes a video game reference from a non-gamer)

So, chill the fuck out, take your foot off the gas, and just do you.  You are still too broken to find the right person.   You might never not be broken.  You have Stockholm syndrome, not Nightingale Syndrome.  Don't trade them.  Get rid of one. 

Losing Street Games

You ever play one of those games where the fast talking guy has the marble and three cups and you're supposed to follow the marble as he moves the cups around.  I've never been very good at following the marble or winning games in general.  The answer I always have in those games is.  "The marble is under the cup that it's under" and I walk away.

I think that I'm like this in life to some extent as well, I don't deal well with subtle.  I need people to be very direct with me.

I also assume that people are deceptive by nature. I trust but verify just about everything that people tell me. 

It's a pretty shitty way to be, and verifying everything does absolutely nothing for my insecurity. 

So there's that.

I'm out of things to say today.  I'm just mad, and annoyed.  Mostly with myself, and with how unfair things feel this week.  Two deaths rocked my life, showing me just how delicate life is. More importantly, it forces me to have that dialogue with myself, forces me to question everything I'm doing to make sure that I'm on the right path and I'm pursuing my happiness. The reality is, that part of my life needs work.

Nerves, Nerves.... Love.... Poof....

Social anxiety sucks goat balls. I used to be able to socialize with people and not care how I came across. Now since I've grown and had the experiences I've had, I worry constantly that I'm being misunderstood. Work issues with people taking what I've said and misunderstanding but never explaining or letting me know that something I've said bothered them. 

Another huge part Is a result of years of emotional abuse (I maintain that they weren’t aware they were doing it, and I didn’t notice until I was out, so lets put the pitchforks and torches down people.)  I have PTSD of some sort when it comes to socializing and being around people. 

This manifests itself in the form of anxiety (which I’m really fucking good at hiding.)  There’s a continual fear that if I go out on a limb I'll be rejected, which is something I feel is more of a reflection on me, as opposed to a reflection on the other persons inability to see how fun it would be to hang with a bat shit crazy dude.

There’s a majority of self esteem, body image, and psychological trauma issues that play into all of this and make it worse. So, I constantly wonder, What's the answer?  Avoid? Not really.  But forcing myself to be in these situations is fine unless I'm not in control of it. Tonight I'm sort of in control but someone else is here with me so it's not really a control I have because I don't want to leave so early that they would have a shitty time. Right, that’s guilt, and needs to be dealt with separately.

So, you might think that's stupid but I need to expand my comfort zone in these kinds of situations so I'm standing in a corner writing about it making it look like I'm texting someone and I'm really important. Works for me I guess.  I don’t really text anyone, the reality is, aside from a couple of people I don’t really have what I call close friends.  I’m too much of a flake for that.  

There’s another factor here, that is occurring in my life, so as a result, my mind is racing and trying to read the last chapter before the first. I'm talking about the Handsome guy I went back to visit on the deserted island that he's inhabiting. 

The emotional/desire side of me just wants to jump in full force and go for broke. But, he's like me in the way that even if he wanted that too it's irresponsible to just dive in. I don't want to say it will be the greatest romance of my life but I like thinking that it could be. Already there I've got too much hope for it all. He is on a journey of his own and getting in the middle of that would interfere with his ability to find the path that's best for him. I need to make my own plans and hope that the paths cross. I'm already drawn to make plans that might put us on paths that could cross so I have to remove that from the equations in order to be honest with myself as well. 

That's the wrench in the machine that seems to always happen. What's the best solution? Disappear? I could, is that fair though?  I'm good at it. Would it hurt any future chance? Would it kill the flame?  I want a love story like the notebook, is that unrealistic. The man for me will bring that love to the table naturally, and I will feel full of love. If this ends up posted, it might mean that I'm disappearing, which is for two reasons. 

1. To give me clarity to find the perspective I need, or
2. To give you the clarity and freedom to work through what you need to work through to find your truth, whatever form that might take

Trust me, if I go, I will reappear at some point and we can see where things are at that point, if something changes for you, come find me and sweep me off my feet and begin one of the greatest love stories to ever be told to the whole wide world.

We made it through.... and now, for my next trick.

Well it was high time I sent out an update, and filled all the loyal folks in on what was going on in my life.

Basecamp is no more. well the mountain base camp that I grew to love.  They became a thing of the past and I packed up and came down off the mountain in search of the next adventure.  

So, what does the next adventure look like.  It looks like a pilgrimage around the world in an effort to see as much of the world as I can before I no longer get to see the world. It means enjoying every moment and experience to it’s fullest.

The first thing I did after packing up basecamp was to go away on a vacation before I got serious about the next directions in my life.  Vacations are always supposed to be a time to reflect and shut down for me.  So, it comes as no surprise that while on vacation I lower my guards, am truer to my genuine self, and allow for things that otherwise wouldn’t be options to become possibilities.  In a few short words I open up my heart. 

In doing this, I’ve found that I get a chance to meet new and interesting people.  

Something different happened this time.

With my heart open, and accepting of the path that the universe was putting at my feet, I had the opportunity to meet and interact with someone who seemed to ignite an incredible energy in me.  The energy reminded me that I am responsible to find my truth, carve out my path to follow my dreams and make the world the most amazing place to be in for myself, and others along the my pathway.

They had me question everything about what I have done, am doing, and will do. They’ve got me obsessed with how the universe is setting out the path and how after all the rough patches along the way it seems clear to me now that things will begin to get better.   The shortest way out is through. 

I’m going to see this person again, and I expect they are destined to be a part of my journey in some way, even if I haven’t figured it out yet….

Hanging out - Feeling Like I'm Proud enough.

I'd like to start off by saying that I think having pride in oneself is important. Coming together to celebrate that as a community is also incredibly important. However, I think it's important to qualify that with the condition; "when it's genuine."

As we roll into June there are a variety of festivals taking place to celebrate all kinds of diversity. As we roll into the events that take place it seems like everyone and their dog (literally in some cases) are coming out of the wood work to be friendly and encourage attendance.

Over the past few weeks I've had a barrage of unsolicited invitations to various events on social networks, by text and in person. To the point where I'm closing event reminders daily (sometimes multiple times a day) to things I never accepted because social networks “conveniently” add them to my calendar automatically.

Now, to explain why I don't participate.  Reason number one is lack of time/energy. That one is self explanatory and before someone jumps up and says "reprioritize" wait for reason two.
Reason two, a general lack of interest as a result of a variety of things. One of them is, I don't have an interest genuinely in the events taking place. Another could be, I've got nothing to wear (seems trite, but relevant as you read on.) Finally, I'm pretty introverted and don't really enjoy rolling solo to an event where I don't know anyone (but that's the only way to meet people you say? Keep reading.)
Now as we boil down my experience I can sum it up succinctly by saying, "I don't feel like I want to belong to this community of people based merely on one aspect of who I am.  There are many more interesting things about myself than who I get intimate with."

A few things about me many people are surprised when they find out:

Cool stuff

• I Speak three languages
• I ride a motorbike
• I remember things triggered by dates, smells, and music. It's nearly perfect memory when it happens
• I like the sunrise and sunset

Not so cool stuff

• I have depression with an anxiety booster
• I don't like who I am when I'm in certain situations (mostly group social settings) 
• I'm vicious and ruthless when I'm on the defensive, so I'm constantly thinking if someone is intentionally being a jerk or if I just ignore it. (Exhausting) 

So, coming back to festivals and community. I don't fit. It's not my community, it's a community of people bound by one small facet of their being. It's a festival that brings people together for a week, likened to lent, where they try to make up for all the mean spirited things they have done to each other over the past year.

I've never seen a group of people with so much disdain for each other that they are ruthless in their bullying, relentless in their torment and with zero regard for peoples feelings in their interaction.  I mean, when was the last time someone in your community made you feel so excluded because of your sense of style, a hairstyle, the outfit you had on, or your physical appearance. I've seen it happening, dealt with the fallout when someone else had been beaten down so badly they were inconsolable, it's happened to me, and regrettably I've done it to others as well.

After having been on the sidelines for the better part of a decade now, (Relationship and recovery) I find myself facing some of these challenges again on a daily basis with people from the community.  I’ve all but given up, because for every 40 conversations, you end up with one that is notable and worth pursuing a friendship with.  Genuine and confident people are the cats ass.

In the meantime, I live in a remote, fairly progressive community.  I’ve begun socializing with people locally now, because I seem to have a higher rate of success in meeting genuine people.  I don’t hide who I am, and I encourage any questions people have and make it a point to respectfully answer most of them.

This experience has taught me that I don't need to go and be a part of a festival with people who are strangers to me. I have friends, neighbours and family right here at home that are becoming a larger part of my day to day life. I appreciate them, they build me up, I build them up. It's beautiful.  It's how it should be.

So, until I feel like the community of strangers decides that they need to build each other up consistently and genuinely in order to celebrate successes rather than challenge people to failure. I'm out! (See what I did there)

If you need to find me, I'll be drinking beer with the people close to me who don’t care if I’m wearing designer labels, or matching socks.  This is where I feel at home, and a part of something that I had been trying to find all along.

To everyone out there celebrating this week, stay safe, love each other inherently and without limits, each and every one of you is unique, and amazing!  Even the mean ones... You're just shielding yourself. I get it, I did it too. I hope that one day you find a place where you can set your shield down too. 

When you run out of time and base camp falls apart

There comes a point where you start to realize that you're only a man in a silly red cape.... no wait... that wasn't where I was going with this.

I've been busy lately getting basecamp sorted out now that the snow is gone.  I've been moving things around, seeing all the damage of the winter to my various equipment.  I'm wondering what I need to get done in the next few weeks to make this summer season a success.  I've been running this base camp for 24 months now, and It doesn't appear to be getting any easier.

It seems that my suppliers don't have any interest in helping me either, so I'm here running around on my own doing things.  To say the least I'm feeling overwhelmed.

What's my plan?  I don't know, maybe packing out, and rejoining society.  I would have to shave and get a hair cut.  I did manage to put together some hard shelter and make myself a work space.  It's not too shabby.  I had a chance to have a photo taken, I figured I should share it with my wonderful follower, but I can't get upload to work, so that's no good. Oh well, next time.