It's all coming back to me now.....

When you can’t think of anything to talk about, but you want to just fall off the face of the planet for a while and be alone.  Yeah, that’s partly what I’m feeling right now. 

I’ve got so many things distracting me lately, but none of it is enough to actually distract me from being hurt, disappointed, or impatient.  The beautiful person that you know you want to be a part of your life, has said all of the right things to make you feel like its heading in the direction you want it to go.  You’re optimistic, and you even have the conversation about what the reality of them being a part of your life looks like.  All really real shit… Then, radio silence?  What the fuck?  

So you try to pry in and figure out what that’s about, and you get some back pedal story about the way they feel and how they’re worried about breaking your heart and theirs.  Maybe, just maybe they know what they’re talking about, but you suspect it’s more likely they didn’t know what the impact of what they were saying would have and once they started thinking about it they either got scared or something better came along.  

It all hurts the same, regardless of the cause.  So who’s to blame?  You, for believing and having faith?  Them, for not knowing what they wanted, or for being distracted by the next thing that came along?  Or is it really faultless?  Seems hard to not blame someone when it all feels so shitty, so you try to talk your way around it.  The crap about emotion is that logic and reasoning have no place here.  You don’t get to talk your way out of emotional pain, you just have to go through it until you adjust and it dulls. 

So, where do you go from here, it seems that the more open you are the more it hurts, the less open you are the more likely you will be to miss the boat. It feels like you can’t win.  So, the solution.  Distraction.  You buy a house and you fix it up, you start a project, you do things that are interesting and you see if they make you feel like you’re doing something productive with yourself. 

Keep doing what you love, and making the love, your faith will pay off.  This is the process.  You have no other way to learn but to go through this. 

When you run out of time and base camp falls apart

There comes a point where you start to realize that you're only a man in a silly red cape.... no wait... that wasn't where I was going with this.

I've been busy lately getting basecamp sorted out now that the snow is gone.  I've been moving things around, seeing all the damage of the winter to my various equipment.  I'm wondering what I need to get done in the next few weeks to make this summer season a success.  I've been running this base camp for 24 months now, and It doesn't appear to be getting any easier.

It seems that my suppliers don't have any interest in helping me either, so I'm here running around on my own doing things.  To say the least I'm feeling overwhelmed.

What's my plan?  I don't know, maybe packing out, and rejoining society.  I would have to shave and get a hair cut.  I did manage to put together some hard shelter and make myself a work space.  It's not too shabby.  I had a chance to have a photo taken, I figured I should share it with my wonderful follower, but I can't get upload to work, so that's no good. Oh well, next time.

My Bucket of Fucks

Once in a while you have an awesome day, nothing can get you down, nothing can make you angry.  It usually comes after a good nights rest, for me at least.  Today was one of those days, it was a great day to do things like weed out your friends on various social networking sites, or just stop giving people the energy they so clearly don’t deserve. 

Most of the time, on a typical day I try to have a few “fucks” in my “bucket of fucks” which is where I keep all my “Give-a-fucks.”  Today the bucket was empty, and I felt empowered.  I don’t know why as humans we have the desire to keep holding on to things that at the end of the day add no value to us.  Someone once told me that your things begin to own you, well this is also true with “Friends.” 

I was doing some “Friend Math” today, which is basically me thinking about each person, and wondering, do they add value, or do they suck energy.  One is a positive, the other is a negative.  What you want to do when you do friend math is you want to have people on the positive side of zero.  Not too great into the positive, because then you become the void in their life and you are effectively using them.  

When it comes to people, and interpersonal interactions, you look at it over a long period of time, which is what makes it so difficult, it’s really like the money market.  Sometimes it takes a while to see a return on your investment, and the last thing you want to do is cut your losses before you have a chance to realize a gain.  It’s a tricky balance.   I went through the process today with a few people, it’s really quite exhausting and can be emotionally draining to realize you have been getting every ounce of your energy sucked from your soul just to appease a friendship.  Sometimes, it’s easy to see it has been happening, other times it is very difficult to see. 

I have a bit of a formula that I use to evaluate, firstly, I heavily scrutinize people in the same area code or time zone as me.  Those are the people who  are geographically closest to you, and that you should (logically) interact with the most. Well, when you look at that grouping of people, you have to ask yourself a few questions.  I’ll go through them, and then I’ll explain why this is important.

For people in the same geographic region as you (this may be 10 feet, or 1000 miles)

“How long have you known them?” 

if that answer is more than a year, and you haven’t seen them socially in that time more than once, there is a very good chance they should drop a few points.  I would start everyone off with a score of 5 and move from there.  (Point score +1 for yes or -1 for no.)

Do they know your mother/father’s name?

This is a way to exclude people from further scrutiny quickly and easily.  Chances are if they know your family somewhat, then they are probably the type of person that you can pick up where you left off even if it has been 30 years.

Have they ever been in your home for any reason other than alcohol or sex?

Score of -3 for no and +3 for yes.  Again, someone that you’ve trusted to come into your home when you aren’t having a party or sleeping with them is an indication that they may very well be trustworthy and should be evaluated on an individual basis. 

When is the last time you saw them?

If you haven't seen them since you’ve added them to your list of friends, good chance you should probably give them a call and make a plan.  Or delete them, you’re just data collecting from them. 

What secrets about you do they know?

Is it wise to upset someone that has damaging details (especially if they have proof) of something you’ve done in your life?  Sometimes, it’s easier to keep a friend, than fight a rumour.

Are they always busy when you try to plan things with them, and never get back to you when you ask them to let you know what may work?  They’re shit bags and don’t give a fuck about you, so maybe you should just cut the ties.  I’ve never met someone so piss poor at time management that they can’t find a spare hour in a week to meet up.  The “I’m busy” excuse works when it is justified, but the rest of the time it’s a default excuse.  (Yes, I’ve used it, but now I just tell people flat out that I would rather give myself a battery acid enema than hang out with them.  They usually get the point)

These questions should serve as some general guidelines on how to get rid of the fuckers that are sucking the life out of you.  

It’s tricky to navigate the world of friendships and relationships.  Stick to this bitter philosophy and remember that if you die with 2 or 3 good friends then you are lucky.  No one likes a funeral where all the good cold cuts and squares are taken by assholes who didn’t really give a shit.  Think about those people as you navigate life. 

This whole idea is really about getting rid of the “fucks” you have in your life, and emptying out the “bucket of fucks” to do it.