Paulo takes a vacation....

So, I left base camp. Well I traded in base camp for a temporary base camp. One with warm weather, palm trees and an ocean breeze. 

It's a struggle for me to be out with the general public. Much less to be around tourists, and even worse is being treated like a *gasp* tourist. I'm just here to people watch, see if I can have a conversation. Heck, even would like to have the courage to walk into a bar alone and order a drink. That seems minor but it's a pretty tall order considering where my head is at. 

My main struggle lately has been with self confidence, and that lends itself to disappointment, which lends to anger, which lends to depression. That's my psycho-babble on why I am so "unique" as someone so eloquently put it. I'd like to say I'm the strong silent type, but really I'm the strong silent types retarded third cousin twice removed; weak chicken shit type. 

So, here I sit in my current spot on a yellow bench of a busy corner feeling somewhat like a hooker past retirement and watching cats go by that are sure to have more interesting adventures tonight. 

I've had a lot to think about in the past 21 months. I don't know if I've gotten anywhere, maybe just self aware. That can't be that bad can it?  The trouble is, I am who I am, I won't apologize and I won't hide. There's no point. The truth comes out eventually. 

So, back to if I will find a place to comfortably have a beer alone not knowing anyone. I'm more likely to stop at the corner store and get one then drink it as I wander aimlessly down the street. 

I have to break this fear, if I can't break it then I'm not making progress. Everything is intentional, and everything has meaning. I'm here for a reason and that reason might just be to break this anxiety and grow a little bit by stretching my comfort zone. 

Maybe I'll find a nice local that will change my world. Because that would be wise. I'm still not there.

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Two hours later I'm having my third beer at the second bar. I feel like this is a small victory. I've had a conversation with someone who sells rental properties, and a bartender who thinks I'm hot. #easywins