So, here I am sitting in front of a crackling fire, obsessing over this hiker that made an appearance the other day. Having some canned beans and stewed squirrel for dinner, when who walks in? That’s right! This fucking hiker shows up distraught and seemingly disoriented. I just about spit the squirrel into the fire as I jumped up.
Their "Hi" was casual as in like, “Oh Hey Paulo, whats up? I’m here, it’s no big deal….” I could clearly tell they were different than the last time I saw them. As we talked, it becomes clear from their account of the past few days that they’ve had quite the adventure. (Keeping in mind, I’ve been on this hillside for about 8 months now, so my people skills are somewhat lack lustre and I'm grilling them like a Spaniard would. Remember that I’m also very lonely, so I am confused myself about how to proceed because yes, they're just as hot as they were a few days ago.)
As the story goes on, they recount their experience and the past few days since leaving the basecamp. They had misplaced their map which totally sucks when you are following an unmarked trail. The loss of the map put them on a wrong trail. They admitted that they had thought about following their steps back to my location immediately, but they were convinced that everything was okay and kept on.
So, they continued their hike and the events of the adventure through the various switch backs, over the peaks, and through the trees. They had a brief and near deadly encounter with a bear that they were luckily able to scare off by playing Justin Bieber music (which bothered me that they had that available to them on a mountain side, but hey, I'll pack that little bastard for my next trip if it works.) They became more uneasy as nightfall hit, and they were lucky to find a cave in the hillside and were able to spend a few nights in while they figured out what to do. They thanked me for keeping them alive with the gift of my squirrel jerky I gave them when they made their departure from my Basecamp.
As they told me the tale of their adventure, I couldn’t help but take note of their full canteen of water. Not really that odd, I have found fresh water in various locations, so they could have done the same. I’m not sure if now would be a good time to point out that I am generally suspect of people and have some pretty major trust issues surrounding the people I meet especially as they tell me tales that are somewhat incredulous. I have met a number of “one-uppers” in life. (“one uppers” are people that no matter what you say, they’ve got a similar story that is to them a more insane and better version to tell.) I usually run from these people as fast as my tiny legs can carry me.
Anyhow, back to the poor hiker, I offered them some of my beans and squirrel and they said they weren't hungry… ? Huh? You’ve only had about 3 strips of jerky in as many days and you aren’t hungry? Something seems off, are they anorexic? How did they even manage to make it back here with no energy?
That’s when it dawned on me, they were wearing new gloves. This lying fucker hadn’t been lost in the hills, they were home and have come back for whatever god damned reason. What was going on, was I being punked? I looked around for a crew and cameras, and promising myself that whoever decided to put this together would be circumcised with the lid from my canned beans. I was instantly on the offensive. I completely shut everything off as far as conversation went and stuck to listening to their tale, and seeing just how big of a hole they would dig for themselves. I also took this opportunity to try and figure out how the hell I was going to get rid of them, because something wasn't right.
Now, normally I would just call them out and call their bullshit. Something in this case suggested that could end up resulting in Paulo Jerky, soooooo, I need a strategy. I guess the goal will be to figure out a way to make myself repulsive? That’s pretty much impossible, I’m as sexy as Jennie Garth in that candy shoes ad where she’s sitting taking a crap. Yeah, I’m pretty irresistible, and I've found that sometimes the more awful you can be to someone the more they want to stick around. Martyr Complex?
I'll be honest, the lonely part of me kicks in. "Maybe they are trying to impress you, and get your attention?" It is clearly my fault that I didn’t give them the attention at the beginning like I should have. I mean had I shown my true thoughts and feelings when they showed up, they would have been clear on how cool I thought they were to begin with and they wouldn’t need to compensate so much? Make sense? Nope, it’s fucking crazy, that’s why. They probably would have thought I was a lonely and desperate mountain man and wouldn't have come back for a second look. I've been that guy before, sometimes you have to have a second look to find out if something is crap or not.
Alright, so whats the strategy here? I have some options…
I can ask them why they’re fibbing? Is it for effect? Do they actually believe what they are telling me? If it's for effect, then they can stop, cause I'm into them. If they believe what they are saying (even if they don't want to admit they're doing it for attention, then.... yeah, that settles that)
I can ignore it, and try absolutely anything to get them to share a sleeping bag with me for a few days. (Being the second of the month, I had my monthly bath yesterday, WIN!) This may not work out well in the long run as they may never leave and my 5 months remaining up here will be shortened immensely from diminishing rations.
I can just withdraw from them completely, ask them to leave me alone, and go on about my business. However, that one leaves me with unanswered questions as to why they did it. Anyone that knows me knows that this will torment me for life.
So, I think about it some more… Do they suffer from Martyr Syndrome?
Here I am sitting across the fire from this individual, who hours earlier I was obsessed with. Now, I’m just looking at them, awkwardly. I lied and blamed this on my social awkwardness from being isolated, but really, I’m fighting the urge to say. “Why the fuck are you here, and what the fuck do you want from me. I know you went somewhere and got new gloves and you’re lying about a bear. The only bear you’re going to have a run in with will be me, and yes, Justin Bieber will make me run away too.”
This my friends, is why I'm up here in the first place. So, maybe I’ll fill you in on how things progress as I find out more….
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