Where the fuck did you come from?

Ever meet someone and think to yourself; “Holy FUCK! this person is the best thing since Microwave Popcorn in a Pop-up Bowl!!!!”

There’s this strange phenomena that occurs whenever I am feeling lonely, and I meet anyone that can form a sentence using adverbs and adjectives without hash tagging them. This phenomena is what I refer to as “Falling off the mother fucking cliff”  why do I call it that?  Go fall off a cliff, and it won’t take long before you too realize just how helpless it is to fight what is happening to you.  No matter what you try to do, you can’t stop falling. (Just like that Alicia Keys song.) So, resolve yourself to the fact that you fell off the cliff and accept that you are now falling.  If you can’t resolve yourself to falling, you’re just going to come off as a lunatic. (Kind of like Tyler Duerden in Fightclub as he fights himself in the parking lot.)  So… there is some advice for people out there that have found themselves falling off the cliff, and it is really simple.  

So, back to my falling off the mother fucking cliff.  Imagine this, in the midst of moving basecamp, just as I was getting some of the finer details set in place and figuring, yes I’m good, I can do this, then in struts a hiker dressed to the nines in the latest hiking technology with all the gear you thought you would want to have.  They’re there, standing in the middle of your solitude and looking down on you as though they’re just as surprised to see you as you are them.   Now, keeping in mind, I’ve been in various parts of the bush since the fall.  I don’t get a lot of interaction with people.  Usually when I do, it’s in a controlled and coordinated manner.  Having someone take the reins and walk into my world where I have no control was a bit off putting.  I was unsure if what was happening was real. 

Then, we spoke, for hours actually.  It seemed like there would never be anything we couldn’t talk about.  Maybe it was the loneliness and the isolation that did it, and that human interaction felt so good at this moment.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that somehow I lost my footing and fell off that mother fucking cliff.  Now, not sure if you’ve been hiking ever or not, but the objective is to follow a trail, or plan and get home before dark.  So, like all great things, they must come to an end.  I wanted nothing more than for this hiker to stay with me all night, but really, I had just moved my base camp and wasn’t exactly set up to accommodate anyone but myself at this point. Really, what am I supposed to say?  “Hey, wanna stick around, I have a great pot of beans and chilli to make, and we can roll up into one sleeping bag for the night…. what do ya say?”

I know many that would scoff me for not trying, but alas, that is not my style.  I pointed the hiker in the direction of my blog, wished them well on their way, and gave them some of my earlier jerky that I had made.  (It was made from squirrels, and I wasn’t really a fan.)

So, since the hiker disappeared over the summit and returned to where people shower more than once a fortnight, I’m not sure if they will remember me or not.  Now, I’m up in this wilderness until spring melt, that is what I planned, and promised myself.  I am going no where until then.  When I had this encounter, my basecamp had just been moved and much of it was still packed up…. It would be very very easy to get out of here and follow them down the face.  Who knows if the hiker even cared about me or if they were just afraid of becoming my “Mountain Wife” and said what they needed to say to get out of here.  Needless to say, here I sit thinking about them returning to me, to spend the rest of the winter with me collecting nuts, trapping critters, and roaming the lands like cro-magnon hunter gatherers, grunting and hunting. 

It’s been 4 days since they left the basecamp, I expect they made it home and have returned to their normal programming.  I’m a bit too far out to expect to see them terribly soon, but I have made instructions to the steno pool monitoring blog comments that they are to make every attempt to send them back out this way after I get some more stores sent out so I can offer a proper reception.  That is what is referred to as falling of a mother fucking cliff.  It’s irrational processing of thoughts and playing out a storyline faster that it actually plays out so that you can determine if there is a point in continuing. It’s a fantastic little place where you wonder why the heck you do what you do.

So, when you fall off the cliff, because you can’t get back onto it, the best approach is to leave your body, and let your brain take over where the irrational is playing in, only then will you see the truth in what the situation is.  I’ve fallen off the cliff as a result of people being nice…. that’s the mind fuck that is referred to as wishful thinking.  The only thing worse than falling off the cliff, is for both of you to do it simultaneously.  That’s when real damage is done.

Myrna, Beulah, and Prudence

Sometimes people come into our lives and we tend to overthink and over evaluate what the meaning is.  I have three of those particular people that I have been trying to figure out lately.  I don't know if I'm supposed to pursue romantic congress, or what exactly their station is in my circumstance. 

I don't know what the situation is half the time, because they can't seem to send a direct enough message for me to intercept, and I'm not sure if I should over think the situation or not.  It likely has a little bit to do with my ego, which I need to remember to check.  The ego thing in itself is such a cluster fuck of the mind which makes you think that you are awesome, then in the next breath you have self image and self worth issues that make you question if you're worthy of what you think you deserve. It's a vicious cycle. 

Myrna is a great lady, she smiles and laughs, and is a caring soul.  There are hints that she would like to say something that is on her mind, my ego says that she likes me and wants to pursue something with me.  My self worth wonders why.  Then I think about the signs, and over analyze everything to death and somehow get myself into a tizzy where I am delusional and have the following conversation with myself,

"oh wow, they want to date me.  I don't know how that makes me feel?  I can't let on that I think they want to date me because if I'm wrong then I everything will be awkward, but I think they want to date me and I don't know if they do or not, so that's all I'm going to think about and when I do interact with them its going to be super awkward because I have to be smart and not let on that I think they want to date me...."

Yeah, its a cluster fuck in the brain that is just the most amazing experience one can have.  So, what I've learned from this is... I'm an idiot and I don't pick up on subtext, well that's not true.  What is true is, I have ADHD and people with ADHD sometimes can't pick up on subtext, but when they do, they sometimes (read: nearly always) over analyze the situation and read far more into it than they need to. 

Repeat the story above with Beulah, and again with Prudence, and you will have a pretty good summary of the past 10 years of my life with people that are friends and wanted more, or people that eluded to things, and when I caught on it was a bit too late. 

How the fuck do you go back and apologize to these people and tell them that you're a grade A asshole?  Answer, you don't, it's their fucking fault for beating around the bush and not telling you their truth.   Sometimes, being evasive, and elusive is stupid because it works.  There are people out there that may not like the truth, but it's certainly more efficient than playing a game of coy school girl.  The only time I like that game is when we're role playing in the bedroom (as consenting adults.)

Well that is my procrastination rant for the evening, I have to be up early to boil water for my monthly sponge bath. 

Ceasar!!!!

So I know that many of you think that I may have died, based on the panic stricken messages that I did not receive over the holidays inquiring to the status of my health, and safety.  It’s really easy to feel unloved when you’re out of sight and out of mind.  However, at the same time, the fact that no one is nagging me is a good indication in the faith that people put in my ability to go this alone and be able to navigate and survive the wilderness on my own with the tools of my own devices.  So we can appreciate that, plus, I’m fucking awesome, what the hell is there to worry about.

The past month has been an interesting adventure.  I had a few days where I just didn’t feel like giving a shit about anything.  I didn’t set any trap lines, I didn’t gather any food, I didn’t really do much.  I slept a lot, dipped into emergency food stores (which isn’t a big deal as long as I replenish them.)  Days like this happen, you just have to be able to roll with the punches.  Also, there have been some pretty intense planning and strategy sessions which can be exhaustive if you don’t manage the amount of time and energy you put into building your next strategy.  The strategy I was working on was how to move basecamp and make it more secure.  A plan that will rely heavily on a solid strategy, that is executed with precision and discipline.  There are logistics to consider, there are improvements needed, and then there is the physical security aspects of having a basecamp on your own in somewhat new territory.   So, I worked on that a lot which took me away from the primal needs of my day to day.  That’s why you pack a contingency ration and use it as needed.  I’ve already sent out a replenish order for the things I have used so I’m good that way. 

Whenever I establish a basecamp, I hold a ceremony to commission each and every basecamp.  The current basecamp was commissioned with a snowball being thrown at the door in November to symbolize the impenetrable strength that it is to represent to me.  I’ve also had them commissioned by myself as I sometimes run around acting like I am Ceasar Paulo of the Middle of Nowhere. I run around pretending the trees are my army and are all standing at attention for me, ignoring the fact that no matter what I would ask them to do would probably be ignored.

In any case, I consider myself royalty and think pretty highly of myself.  Really though, I’m the most amazing human for miles and miles. So, in building my strategy and plan for moving my basecamp, which is a phenomenal undertaking both emotionally, and logistically.  I found a few things that rang true to any plan and have established some rules to follow whenever you are making plans to change anything be it moving a basecamp from one summit to another at 1300 meters above sea level, or just making a plan for your own life.  

Rule 1, Avoid critics.  These fuckers will do anything to see you fail, they will have some valid criticisms that will help you plan better, but at the same time, they don’t understand your journey, so don’t let their opinion or criticisms fuck with the plans you are making for your life.  They wont be there if you fail, other than to be smug about it anyhow so really.  Just skip the critic part. 

Rule 2, Keep the plan a secret.  Letting people in on your plans, gives them opportunities to throw wrenches into your plan.  Act like a publicly traded company that is just about to announce  a super huge deal that will send shares soaring.  “Loose lips, sink ships” (and are unattractive.)

Rule 3,  Have a smart plan, think about possible set backs, and make a contingency for each. Shit happens, theres no reason you should feel defeated because something happens that you aren’t ready for.  Figure out what the issues will be and then figure out the best way to address them to accomplish what needs to be accomplished.  Simple right?  Some people have trouble putting this one into practice. 

Rule 4, Assume that no one will help you.  In my case, I’m in this alone, I have no one to help.  I mean sure, the squirrels and moose are going to stare at me and monitor the progress, but they sure as shit aren’t going to be helping move my piles of crap from one camp to the next.  I have to know that I can do it on my own, and that I will be able to maintain and sustain on my own as well.  Look at your plan this way.  If you do have help, go back to rule three, and factor that help not being there as it’s likely that at some point you will be let down by a support. 

Rule 5, don’t worry about it, just get doing it.  It will happen.  Set yourself some small victories that can be measured easily.  For example.  I set the goal that I want to move from my current position, to another position elsewhere.  First thing I needed to do was to decide where I wanted to be.  Once that was decided, I started thinking about how much I needed to accomplish in order to get there.  I broke down this evaluation into groups of things that needed to be done to prepare, and each of those things once completed became a point on the scale that measured the success.  The more you accomplish in the right direction, the easier it gets.  Setting small points to be at in order to achieve a larger goal breaks it up into small things that you can achieve and are less overwhelming. 

So, when you’re running around acting like Cesar on the side of a mountain (Maybe I’m more like Moses) you can remember that in life, you are the King (or queen) and you control the environment you are in and the things you allow to happen become a part of your success.  With that, I’m going to cook up some beans and fart myself into tomorrow. 

Hail Ceasar!