Nerves, Nerves.... Love.... Poof....

Social anxiety sucks goat balls. I used to be able to socialize with people and not care how I came across. Now since I've grown and had the experiences I've had, I worry constantly that I'm being misunderstood. Work issues with people taking what I've said and misunderstanding but never explaining or letting me know that something I've said bothered them. 

Another huge part Is a result of years of emotional abuse (I maintain that they weren’t aware they were doing it, and I didn’t notice until I was out, so lets put the pitchforks and torches down people.)  I have PTSD of some sort when it comes to socializing and being around people. 

This manifests itself in the form of anxiety (which I’m really fucking good at hiding.)  There’s a continual fear that if I go out on a limb I'll be rejected, which is something I feel is more of a reflection on me, as opposed to a reflection on the other persons inability to see how fun it would be to hang with a bat shit crazy dude.

There’s a majority of self esteem, body image, and psychological trauma issues that play into all of this and make it worse. So, I constantly wonder, What's the answer?  Avoid? Not really.  But forcing myself to be in these situations is fine unless I'm not in control of it. Tonight I'm sort of in control but someone else is here with me so it's not really a control I have because I don't want to leave so early that they would have a shitty time. Right, that’s guilt, and needs to be dealt with separately.

So, you might think that's stupid but I need to expand my comfort zone in these kinds of situations so I'm standing in a corner writing about it making it look like I'm texting someone and I'm really important. Works for me I guess.  I don’t really text anyone, the reality is, aside from a couple of people I don’t really have what I call close friends.  I’m too much of a flake for that.  

There’s another factor here, that is occurring in my life, so as a result, my mind is racing and trying to read the last chapter before the first. I'm talking about the Handsome guy I went back to visit on the deserted island that he's inhabiting. 

The emotional/desire side of me just wants to jump in full force and go for broke. But, he's like me in the way that even if he wanted that too it's irresponsible to just dive in. I don't want to say it will be the greatest romance of my life but I like thinking that it could be. Already there I've got too much hope for it all. He is on a journey of his own and getting in the middle of that would interfere with his ability to find the path that's best for him. I need to make my own plans and hope that the paths cross. I'm already drawn to make plans that might put us on paths that could cross so I have to remove that from the equations in order to be honest with myself as well. 

That's the wrench in the machine that seems to always happen. What's the best solution? Disappear? I could, is that fair though?  I'm good at it. Would it hurt any future chance? Would it kill the flame?  I want a love story like the notebook, is that unrealistic. The man for me will bring that love to the table naturally, and I will feel full of love. If this ends up posted, it might mean that I'm disappearing, which is for two reasons. 

1. To give me clarity to find the perspective I need, or
2. To give you the clarity and freedom to work through what you need to work through to find your truth, whatever form that might take

Trust me, if I go, I will reappear at some point and we can see where things are at that point, if something changes for you, come find me and sweep me off my feet and begin one of the greatest love stories to ever be told to the whole wide world.

Venison and a Proposal

So the past few weeks have been pretty solid packed with work as the season comes in and you realize that you left a lot of crap on the snow to get covered with more snow, and then when it melts, it’s like the whole place is littered with all kinds of garbage that you need to take care of, and some things that you forgot you had, or were searching for relentlessly in the snow. 

Spring came and went, without much to-do.  It was lovely, I did some venturing around.  Now summer seems to be upon us, and as we move along and the days begin to shorten there is so much that you need to do to keep on things.  This doesn’t mean the curve balls and twists in the story of life are any different.  It means that you have those in addition to other responsibilities. 

Earlier this week, I had a run in with some wildlife, really not all that uncommon when you’re wandering in their territory.  I mean they go wherever they want to and do as they please.  So it was no surprise to me when Bambi came trotting along into my path and ran me off the trail so she could get where she was going.  Needless to say, she didn’t get very far, and I had some fresh venison for my rations.  I would need to make sure it was properly cured so I could store it.  So I made some jerky and other things for my hiking excursions.  

As time sort of just blends together here, I spend a lot of time thinking about what the people in my life that have come and gone are up to.  I think about some more than others, I think about some daily, and others periodically.  The interesting thing about this is, when I think about people daily, I tend to not reach out to them as often.  When I think about people more periodically I’m more likely to call, write, or drop in on them.  I have this oddness about me that maintains connections with people fairly well and maybe even uncomfortably for some.  I like to let people know that I’m thinking about them because you never know when that simple action may change their day.  I also love when people do it to me. So feel free. 

The person I think about the most is my most recent ex.  They're the reason I feel the need to be isolated.  Well, it’s not all their fault, I was present in that whole mess as well, so I’m here because of me.  They were just the catalyst for the need for me to be where I am.  

That said, I have a friend that I think about constantly. (See: Thorn in my side Post)  I’ve loved them for over a decade.  We parted ways as young men on our own adventures.  We’ve reconnected over the years several times socially, and there has always been an unspoken and spoken desire for us to pursue that possibility.  I’ve been giving this a lot of thought over the past few months and I am getting to the point where I don’t think I can move along unless we do pursue that option.  I’m holding myself back from saying that out loud to them because logistically and financially it could be disastrous, we don’t live anywhere reasonably close to where we can make this happen easily.  I’ve rationalized everything about this person.  Their attractiveness, our interests, their drive and ambition and how it would make me feel more driven. I learned in the past that I don’t want to compromise for someone to the point where I don’t recognize myself anymore.  I am finally stable where I am and enjoy the life I’ve built for myself.  I don’t know how to introduce that to them, nor do I know if they would even share the interest. 

I have a feeling this conversation will happen this weekend. I hope so. It’s time, I’m ready, and it needs to be resolved. 

Dancing on my Own

So I recently heard a song that I absolutely fell in love with. It's called "Dancing on my Own" and the version I fell in love with is the one by Kings of Leon. 

I know it's tough to imagine me as a big sentimental guy (well maybe not after the past few posts) but there's something about the pain in the singers voice that just kills me when I listen to the song. I know what this guy is feeling. 

The lyrics are "I'm in the corner watching you kiss her. Im right over here why can't you see me......"  I mean it's your standard torn up heart, longing for that person they can't have. With that said, let me introduce you to some people that haven't come up yet in this blog. 

I met whistles a few months back, at a time where I much needed to meet whistles. We became close quickly. I know there were times where they wanted to throw me off a cliff face, I was a bit needy (read: a lot). To say I don't love whistles would be a lie. I absolutely love them. I credit them with being instrumental in saving my life from a bear that was attacking me. So, yeah. I owe them a lot. They know this, yet they constantly say, "ain't no thang!"  

Well when someone saves your life you either forever feel a debt to them that will never be repaid or you fall in love with them.  Obviously, both are true in my case because I'm the exception to every rule. 

Knowing that I'm capable of great love, and expect the same in return I keep my distance and watch whistles quietly from the corner, so I can be there when they need me, but I'm at a distance and not interfering.  Aha! Now you get it. 

I don't know what role whistles plays in my future but at the moment I'm glad that they're playing a role in the present. I try to take any chance to hang out and have a few laughs. They live a few ranges over so it's hard for us to connect. I'm not sure what that will look like going forward as I come down off the mountain, but I expect it will grow more and more solid as we settle into our life paths. 

The journey is the adventure, not the destination!

Where the fuck did you come from?

Ever meet someone and think to yourself; “Holy FUCK! this person is the best thing since Microwave Popcorn in a Pop-up Bowl!!!!”

There’s this strange phenomena that occurs whenever I am feeling lonely, and I meet anyone that can form a sentence using adverbs and adjectives without hash tagging them. This phenomena is what I refer to as “Falling off the mother fucking cliff”  why do I call it that?  Go fall off a cliff, and it won’t take long before you too realize just how helpless it is to fight what is happening to you.  No matter what you try to do, you can’t stop falling. (Just like that Alicia Keys song.) So, resolve yourself to the fact that you fell off the cliff and accept that you are now falling.  If you can’t resolve yourself to falling, you’re just going to come off as a lunatic. (Kind of like Tyler Duerden in Fightclub as he fights himself in the parking lot.)  So… there is some advice for people out there that have found themselves falling off the cliff, and it is really simple.  

So, back to my falling off the mother fucking cliff.  Imagine this, in the midst of moving basecamp, just as I was getting some of the finer details set in place and figuring, yes I’m good, I can do this, then in struts a hiker dressed to the nines in the latest hiking technology with all the gear you thought you would want to have.  They’re there, standing in the middle of your solitude and looking down on you as though they’re just as surprised to see you as you are them.   Now, keeping in mind, I’ve been in various parts of the bush since the fall.  I don’t get a lot of interaction with people.  Usually when I do, it’s in a controlled and coordinated manner.  Having someone take the reins and walk into my world where I have no control was a bit off putting.  I was unsure if what was happening was real. 

Then, we spoke, for hours actually.  It seemed like there would never be anything we couldn’t talk about.  Maybe it was the loneliness and the isolation that did it, and that human interaction felt so good at this moment.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that somehow I lost my footing and fell off that mother fucking cliff.  Now, not sure if you’ve been hiking ever or not, but the objective is to follow a trail, or plan and get home before dark.  So, like all great things, they must come to an end.  I wanted nothing more than for this hiker to stay with me all night, but really, I had just moved my base camp and wasn’t exactly set up to accommodate anyone but myself at this point. Really, what am I supposed to say?  “Hey, wanna stick around, I have a great pot of beans and chilli to make, and we can roll up into one sleeping bag for the night…. what do ya say?”

I know many that would scoff me for not trying, but alas, that is not my style.  I pointed the hiker in the direction of my blog, wished them well on their way, and gave them some of my earlier jerky that I had made.  (It was made from squirrels, and I wasn’t really a fan.)

So, since the hiker disappeared over the summit and returned to where people shower more than once a fortnight, I’m not sure if they will remember me or not.  Now, I’m up in this wilderness until spring melt, that is what I planned, and promised myself.  I am going no where until then.  When I had this encounter, my basecamp had just been moved and much of it was still packed up…. It would be very very easy to get out of here and follow them down the face.  Who knows if the hiker even cared about me or if they were just afraid of becoming my “Mountain Wife” and said what they needed to say to get out of here.  Needless to say, here I sit thinking about them returning to me, to spend the rest of the winter with me collecting nuts, trapping critters, and roaming the lands like cro-magnon hunter gatherers, grunting and hunting. 

It’s been 4 days since they left the basecamp, I expect they made it home and have returned to their normal programming.  I’m a bit too far out to expect to see them terribly soon, but I have made instructions to the steno pool monitoring blog comments that they are to make every attempt to send them back out this way after I get some more stores sent out so I can offer a proper reception.  That is what is referred to as falling of a mother fucking cliff.  It’s irrational processing of thoughts and playing out a storyline faster that it actually plays out so that you can determine if there is a point in continuing. It’s a fantastic little place where you wonder why the heck you do what you do.

So, when you fall off the cliff, because you can’t get back onto it, the best approach is to leave your body, and let your brain take over where the irrational is playing in, only then will you see the truth in what the situation is.  I’ve fallen off the cliff as a result of people being nice…. that’s the mind fuck that is referred to as wishful thinking.  The only thing worse than falling off the cliff, is for both of you to do it simultaneously.  That’s when real damage is done.