Another test from the universe

I've been getting bounced around a little bit by the universe lately.  For some reason bad things tend to happen when things aren't on the right path.  As long as I follow my instinct and stop listening to all the other garbage around me, things tend to progress fine. 

But, what fun is that right?  

I mean how does one have a story to tell if they just sorta go with the flow and don't make some kind of memories?  You will never have a story to tell if you don't get a few bruises.

Well enough with the fucking bruises.  It seems like at my age it takes longer to heal from the emotional bumps and scrapes than it takes to make them. The guard might need to go up with respect to how I feel about people.  It's one of those things thats there, or it's not.  What I know is when it's there it's has the intensity of a thousand suns. (Say that in a voice over voice.)

So the universe keeps tossing these things on my pathway, maybe to determine where I am at, or maybe my guardian angels are up there at the bar looking at each other and deciding that they're bored and want to play with every sense of balance I have. 

I know that I've been down a similar path before, and I know how it goes.  Hmmm, I believe this is my third viable attempt at this.  So is that it, three strikes and you're out.  For all you football fans there's a nice little sports analogy for ya. Do I give up?  Well I made that decision a few days ago. Subconsciously.

I'm about to admit to something I'm not incredibly proud of.  I slept with someone that I wasn't emotionally connected with, in an effort to break an emotional connection to someone that I shouldn't have an emotional connection to. Yeah, that was probably the dumbest thing I've done this year.   Cause it doesn't work, that's why it's dumb.  What's worse, I feel like I cheated on someone that I'm not even in a relationship with, because I have an emotional tie to them.  

See?  Isn't my head a fantastic place to be?  I wish I could charge admission to tour it, I'd pay to wander around inside what is likely very akin to charlie's chocolate factory.  Picture it, a bunch of oompa loompas running around all zapped out from anxiety, depression, and crying or laughing, or being so over the top laisser-faire about most things.  Yeah that would be magical alright. 

Back to me being a typical gay dude, and doing what normal gay dudes do all the time.  Shaming myself for something that I really shouldn't feel any shame for.  The guy I hooked up with was pretty hot.  Somehow I manage to attract some gorgeous guys.  I just don't really know how to keep them..... maybe I'm not supposed to.  

Alright, well back to the pseudo, in my head, not real boyfriend/relationship I think I have to be faithful to.  I'm guilting myself for being unfaithful, but then, I get mad because that's not a thing.  Yet I'm still upset, and I'm being distant with the guy, who likely won't care anyhow that it happened.  If he does care about it, there's not really much either one of us can do about it unless we feel like maybe it's a good idea to shorten up the distance between us.  That's unlikely.

So, I'm pissed at myself for no reason, and I sit and think about it more.  I'm not pissed at myself.  I didn't do anything really wrong, or against any rules.  I'm worried, insecure, and nervous that he's doing the exact same thing, and when I find out about it I'll be jealous, upset, devastated.  So, now I'm talking myself through that, and the rational side of my brain says, "So what? he's not yours..."  then the other side of my brain says "yes, yes, yes, I know, I know......" and you go back and forth on this for a day or two until finally...

You just admit to yourself that you really want him to be yours, the reason you want that is because you're tired of being strong all the time, you want someone to pick up the pieces and put them back together.  You've spent three years collecting them and putting them in a box.  You don't have them all sorted, but someone else can glue the broken pieces and they did start already without knowing. They started mending you, and you felt good, and because it's been so long since you felt that you craved it.  You want it so bad that you would move mountains and stars to make them see how right you are. But, you're overlooking something critical.  They aren't ready.  You pushing is selfish.  You have to let go and move along, however you do that.  It's not that time. It's not your time.  You still have to find that one piece of the puzzle before the doors to the next level will unlock.  (Yes a video game reference from a non-gamer)

So, chill the fuck out, take your foot off the gas, and just do you.  You are still too broken to find the right person.   You might never not be broken.  You have Stockholm syndrome, not Nightingale Syndrome.  Don't trade them.  Get rid of one. 

Losing Street Games

You ever play one of those games where the fast talking guy has the marble and three cups and you're supposed to follow the marble as he moves the cups around.  I've never been very good at following the marble or winning games in general.  The answer I always have in those games is.  "The marble is under the cup that it's under" and I walk away.

I think that I'm like this in life to some extent as well, I don't deal well with subtle.  I need people to be very direct with me.

I also assume that people are deceptive by nature. I trust but verify just about everything that people tell me. 

It's a pretty shitty way to be, and verifying everything does absolutely nothing for my insecurity. 

So there's that.

I'm out of things to say today.  I'm just mad, and annoyed.  Mostly with myself, and with how unfair things feel this week.  Two deaths rocked my life, showing me just how delicate life is. More importantly, it forces me to have that dialogue with myself, forces me to question everything I'm doing to make sure that I'm on the right path and I'm pursuing my happiness. The reality is, that part of my life needs work.

Nerves, Nerves.... Love.... Poof....

Social anxiety sucks goat balls. I used to be able to socialize with people and not care how I came across. Now since I've grown and had the experiences I've had, I worry constantly that I'm being misunderstood. Work issues with people taking what I've said and misunderstanding but never explaining or letting me know that something I've said bothered them. 

Another huge part Is a result of years of emotional abuse (I maintain that they weren’t aware they were doing it, and I didn’t notice until I was out, so lets put the pitchforks and torches down people.)  I have PTSD of some sort when it comes to socializing and being around people. 

This manifests itself in the form of anxiety (which I’m really fucking good at hiding.)  There’s a continual fear that if I go out on a limb I'll be rejected, which is something I feel is more of a reflection on me, as opposed to a reflection on the other persons inability to see how fun it would be to hang with a bat shit crazy dude.

There’s a majority of self esteem, body image, and psychological trauma issues that play into all of this and make it worse. So, I constantly wonder, What's the answer?  Avoid? Not really.  But forcing myself to be in these situations is fine unless I'm not in control of it. Tonight I'm sort of in control but someone else is here with me so it's not really a control I have because I don't want to leave so early that they would have a shitty time. Right, that’s guilt, and needs to be dealt with separately.

So, you might think that's stupid but I need to expand my comfort zone in these kinds of situations so I'm standing in a corner writing about it making it look like I'm texting someone and I'm really important. Works for me I guess.  I don’t really text anyone, the reality is, aside from a couple of people I don’t really have what I call close friends.  I’m too much of a flake for that.  

There’s another factor here, that is occurring in my life, so as a result, my mind is racing and trying to read the last chapter before the first. I'm talking about the Handsome guy I went back to visit on the deserted island that he's inhabiting. 

The emotional/desire side of me just wants to jump in full force and go for broke. But, he's like me in the way that even if he wanted that too it's irresponsible to just dive in. I don't want to say it will be the greatest romance of my life but I like thinking that it could be. Already there I've got too much hope for it all. He is on a journey of his own and getting in the middle of that would interfere with his ability to find the path that's best for him. I need to make my own plans and hope that the paths cross. I'm already drawn to make plans that might put us on paths that could cross so I have to remove that from the equations in order to be honest with myself as well. 

That's the wrench in the machine that seems to always happen. What's the best solution? Disappear? I could, is that fair though?  I'm good at it. Would it hurt any future chance? Would it kill the flame?  I want a love story like the notebook, is that unrealistic. The man for me will bring that love to the table naturally, and I will feel full of love. If this ends up posted, it might mean that I'm disappearing, which is for two reasons. 

1. To give me clarity to find the perspective I need, or
2. To give you the clarity and freedom to work through what you need to work through to find your truth, whatever form that might take

Trust me, if I go, I will reappear at some point and we can see where things are at that point, if something changes for you, come find me and sweep me off my feet and begin one of the greatest love stories to ever be told to the whole wide world.