Venison and a Proposal

So the past few weeks have been pretty solid packed with work as the season comes in and you realize that you left a lot of crap on the snow to get covered with more snow, and then when it melts, it’s like the whole place is littered with all kinds of garbage that you need to take care of, and some things that you forgot you had, or were searching for relentlessly in the snow. 

Spring came and went, without much to-do.  It was lovely, I did some venturing around.  Now summer seems to be upon us, and as we move along and the days begin to shorten there is so much that you need to do to keep on things.  This doesn’t mean the curve balls and twists in the story of life are any different.  It means that you have those in addition to other responsibilities. 

Earlier this week, I had a run in with some wildlife, really not all that uncommon when you’re wandering in their territory.  I mean they go wherever they want to and do as they please.  So it was no surprise to me when Bambi came trotting along into my path and ran me off the trail so she could get where she was going.  Needless to say, she didn’t get very far, and I had some fresh venison for my rations.  I would need to make sure it was properly cured so I could store it.  So I made some jerky and other things for my hiking excursions.  

As time sort of just blends together here, I spend a lot of time thinking about what the people in my life that have come and gone are up to.  I think about some more than others, I think about some daily, and others periodically.  The interesting thing about this is, when I think about people daily, I tend to not reach out to them as often.  When I think about people more periodically I’m more likely to call, write, or drop in on them.  I have this oddness about me that maintains connections with people fairly well and maybe even uncomfortably for some.  I like to let people know that I’m thinking about them because you never know when that simple action may change their day.  I also love when people do it to me. So feel free. 

The person I think about the most is my most recent ex.  They're the reason I feel the need to be isolated.  Well, it’s not all their fault, I was present in that whole mess as well, so I’m here because of me.  They were just the catalyst for the need for me to be where I am.  

That said, I have a friend that I think about constantly. (See: Thorn in my side Post)  I’ve loved them for over a decade.  We parted ways as young men on our own adventures.  We’ve reconnected over the years several times socially, and there has always been an unspoken and spoken desire for us to pursue that possibility.  I’ve been giving this a lot of thought over the past few months and I am getting to the point where I don’t think I can move along unless we do pursue that option.  I’m holding myself back from saying that out loud to them because logistically and financially it could be disastrous, we don’t live anywhere reasonably close to where we can make this happen easily.  I’ve rationalized everything about this person.  Their attractiveness, our interests, their drive and ambition and how it would make me feel more driven. I learned in the past that I don’t want to compromise for someone to the point where I don’t recognize myself anymore.  I am finally stable where I am and enjoy the life I’ve built for myself.  I don’t know how to introduce that to them, nor do I know if they would even share the interest. 

I have a feeling this conversation will happen this weekend. I hope so. It’s time, I’m ready, and it needs to be resolved. 

Dancing on my Own

So I recently heard a song that I absolutely fell in love with. It's called "Dancing on my Own" and the version I fell in love with is the one by Kings of Leon. 

I know it's tough to imagine me as a big sentimental guy (well maybe not after the past few posts) but there's something about the pain in the singers voice that just kills me when I listen to the song. I know what this guy is feeling. 

The lyrics are "I'm in the corner watching you kiss her. Im right over here why can't you see me......"  I mean it's your standard torn up heart, longing for that person they can't have. With that said, let me introduce you to some people that haven't come up yet in this blog. 

I met whistles a few months back, at a time where I much needed to meet whistles. We became close quickly. I know there were times where they wanted to throw me off a cliff face, I was a bit needy (read: a lot). To say I don't love whistles would be a lie. I absolutely love them. I credit them with being instrumental in saving my life from a bear that was attacking me. So, yeah. I owe them a lot. They know this, yet they constantly say, "ain't no thang!"  

Well when someone saves your life you either forever feel a debt to them that will never be repaid or you fall in love with them.  Obviously, both are true in my case because I'm the exception to every rule. 

Knowing that I'm capable of great love, and expect the same in return I keep my distance and watch whistles quietly from the corner, so I can be there when they need me, but I'm at a distance and not interfering.  Aha! Now you get it. 

I don't know what role whistles plays in my future but at the moment I'm glad that they're playing a role in the present. I try to take any chance to hang out and have a few laughs. They live a few ranges over so it's hard for us to connect. I'm not sure what that will look like going forward as I come down off the mountain, but I expect it will grow more and more solid as we settle into our life paths. 

The journey is the adventure, not the destination!

Thorn in my side

So there's been a song that's been on every playlist and disc and mix tape I've made since 2001. It's not my favourite song, it's a song that no matter where I am, or what I'm doing I think of the same thing. It's a memory, a fond one. 

The memory is a time past where everything was uncertain and the road ahead was limitless and exciting. I remember exactly where I was, who I was with, and the symbolism of the music. 

I've tormented myself with this music for nearly a decade and a half. The unrequited feelings that I've had for the person I was with. Knowing that no matter what I do, that person will always have a portion of my heart and it will belong to no other. 

So, what do you do?  Well in my case (our case) you try to carry on with life, you attempt to have the same feelings for others. Always in the back of your mind wondering where they are, what they're doing and if they're thinking about you as you are them. 

Pretty powerful stuff, and I'm sure you're wanting to know what song has been on every playlist since the advent of MP3 but I don't think I'm going to tell you. 

So let's cover off some of the nonsense that has happened as a result of this chunk of my heart being reserved for someone that was kept at an arms length.

First of all, I've kept them at an arms length and as a result I'm sure they've had a more difficult time moving on than they should have. Sometimes it's important to let go and allow someone to move on. 

Secondly, because we have maintained contact over the years, there has been awkward moments that you try not to acknowledge but you both know they are there. You avoid talking about them because you are afraid to resolve them. You fear resolution because you will either walk away feeling empty because there's nothing more than the status quo left, or there's a whole lot more to the situation that will make it complex and instantly confusing. 

Thirdly, you see them doing well, you avoid throwing a wrench into their life, but you look at all the things that you want and you see them with the very values and hobbies that are important to you. You resolve that you're living life in tandem but apart. 

This is tormenting, where do you go. Over the next few months I resolve to address this issue and resolve the conflict for both of us. I have no idea what form this will take, but it needs to be done. I remember one point where they asked me to let them go, so they could live. I did what I needed to do to accommodate their request and a year went by with no contact. Since then, it doesn't seem that anything changed.

Do the lyrics of that song have an eternal symbolism of the relationship we are destined for, or am I being overly analytical. 

Paulo out!

Requiem......

Why are you so hard to get over. You were just a person that was a part of my life for a brief moment. My heart latched on to you to fill a void and now it feels like forever I'll have this agony when I see you. 

I look at you and see you for what you are, a poser a person that needs validation. I'm judging you to justify my hurt. 

You told me all the things I needed to hear, a game of yours perhaps?  I don't know. 

I look at you now so many months later and I still feel the care and love you showed me. I was a broken mess then and that scared you away.  I am a broken mess now because you are a constant reminder to me of how flawed and broken I was then. You make me insecure and feel weak.  I tied too much emotion into that. I don't know how to let it go and not feel anxious when I see you. I care about you deeply and I've been an asshole to you many times. You will never believe me when I tell you I'm sorry so I am just going to torment myself with this for all time to maintain my pride because I have no way of ever explaining to you why I did what I did. I just wish you could forgive me. I just wish I could move on. 

Bitterly running through the bush

So after my Dotty and toto bullshit, I found myself perplexed with the typical questions one is faced with when they try to comprehend rejection that is intensified by loneliness. Yes I'm lonely, but not lonely enough to settle for the first mediocre offer that comes my way.

I have things in my life generally in order. I'm self sufficient, and I find myself interesting. Yet at the same time as you navigate rejection it's easy to turn that process into a pity party. Which is what happened today. Now that I'm aware of it I don't feel quite as terrible about it. However, some productive things have come out of the day. 

I've evaluated (maybe a bit more harshly than normal) the friends I have and the friends I think I have. Obviously everyone is busy and has their own life going on. So, it's not exactly the easiest thing to do to drop everything and take note of what's happening around you and that maybe some people have fallen off the radar.  The easiest way to realize who may need you to say hey is to scroll to the very bottom of your messages and find the person that's at the bottom of the list. If you're like me and you keep all your messages then you will see who has gone the longest without you interacting with them. 

It also works in other ways. If someone messages you asking for something and the last time you talked to them was over a month ago,  good chance they're only thinking of you because they need you for something. This doesn't align with my friend code and therefore these requests go unanswered. Not answering someone is painful for me. I feel it's a courtesy to be frank and reply to people but at the same time, it's also a courtesy to feel somewhat included in the lives of the people who claim to be your friend.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to get at here. Mostly, I'm reinforcing something I've believed for a long time, when you're out of sight, you're out of mind. 

Dorothy wanders around basecamp

Interacting has become more commonplace lately, it's like somehow I missed sending the "I'm hermiting in the mountains memo" or something. 

We had Tiddly Pom and the park ranger, before that the hiker. Now today, Dorothy walks in with toto and we wander around basecamp looking at fallen timber and snow that doesn't seem to react the the positive temperatures. 

Now allow me to clarify, I'm in a hermit state because I don't trust myself in the world. I feel that any human connection is detrimental to me and could potentially be the cause of a number of restraining orders. So instead of really getting out there and sharing my flavour of crazy. I hide and sabotage it. It's like I don't even know how to chill out and be a normal human. 

Hipsters would say "normal is lame, and not in a way that lame is cool" or something. I never really listen to what those fuckers have to say, they're weird and use their bike locks as a belt and love things ironically. They probably even love the song "Ironic" by Alanis. 

So here I am wandering with Dorothy and toto and I come to the conclusion that Dotty is a hottie, toto is a cute little hell beast of a dog, when wham. A house drops on my head. Dorothy explains that they don't like me. Somewhat unsolicited but great information considering the conclusions I had just come to. Disappointing but I can live with this. 

What troubles me is that next little Dottie turns into a full blown whore and maybe implies, but maybe doesn't imply that they just wanna pull apart their meat curtains and engage in sins of the carnal variety. I'm not sure if they mean with me or not. Don't get me wrong. I can totally appreciate the desire. I'm human too. 

The trouble with going full whore and being all about exchanging bodily fluids is that to me it's an intimate act. Emotion gets involved. That emotion isn't easily separated. It's even harder to separate with a stranger that's hella attractive. Yes I've done it in the past with people. It stirs up some feelings but in cases where it's most successful it usually involves a few hours of talking, being real about the reality and me working my way through what's about to come. Yes. I'm one fucked up little elf. 

So here I am with a proposal from Dotty, I could jump right in and potentially do some damage, or I could just slide Dorothy over into the friendzone.....  I'm at a point where I think I'm just going to wait for someone that's good enough, appreciates me, and wants to shag after we've become friends as a way to move that friendship into a deeper emotional experience. 

Interacting at the transactional level for me at this point, and looking back retrospectively and honestly, has always been an emotional roller coaster where I find myself quoting Cameron Diaz from "vanilla sky" where she's in the car and says to Tom Cruise, "when you have sex with someone, your body makes a promise to them...." Then bam she crashes the car. 

So until I find someone wealthy enough to be cryogenically frozen in time due to a life threatening injury, I'm going to just keep my distance from the likes of casual sex for the sanity of myself and the safety of others. 

YOU TOOK MY RADIO!!!! Fuck you!

So, it's been a bit auspicious lately. Chaos has ensued. The park ranger discovered my whereabouts and tried to have me removed from the hillside where I am camped out. I've just set up base camp and am not really intending on going anywhere. He has no reason to justify the change in scenery, and I'm confident that there may be a correlation between the discovery by the ranger and Tiddly Pom the other passerby that I haven't yet told you about.

So, Tiddly Pom shows up like a winter storm. Blowing into town, and making everyone's cheeks rosy. I had some dialogue with them when we met up on the trails. By dialogue I mean, they just talked and talked and talked. For what seems like it could have been twenty years. The dialogue was off and on, but interesting and I've grown a respect for them as a fellow adventurer. We share some similar battles and commiserated on our shared frustrations in life. All in all Tiddly Pom (I think that's their hipster name) is an individual that i have grown to trust. So, enter Park Ranger. Now, firstly, anyone working in law enforcement (I include park rangers in this) are usually suffering from some form of psychosis. I say this because it takes a special kind of person to strap a gun to their hip daily and parade around with a superiority complex whilst feigning any interactions with people. So the park ranger approaches my camp and asks what I'm doing. I explained the variety of reasons for my stay, and the objectives. They expressed an envy for my efforts and objectives. Something that doesn't garner a whole lot of clout in my books. I mean this is my reality, it can be anyone's if they want it to be. Don't envy something you wished you could have, go out and make it yours!

The ranger and I interacted regularly over a few weeks and they came across as relatively normal. That is until Tiddly Pom met them, told them they were loony. Then it was like all stops were pulled and full blown psychotic snap!  It wasn't clear to me immediately what was going on, but as time progressed things started becoming a bit less hazy. 

The final straw was when the park ranger lost their radio and I found it. Upon its return to them, they reacted like I had intentionally taken the radio. I mean really, I hardly need your radio. I have my own wizardly technology that I tend to. Being able to speak to your group of people with your radio has about as much interest to me as using the icicles forming on the pine trees as enemas. No thank you!  So with them being full blown in criminal investigation mode (read: accusation mode) I was no longer interested in the brownies they were selling!  I asserted that I didn't take it, get over it, and go back to making smores!

Later on I watched as the park ranger, punch drunk and flying on their sugar high, had grabbed a tracker that belonged to the hiker!  What the shit! Why are you taking stuff?  They ran behind a tree and looked back screaming.  "You took my radio!!!!!!!" As if by yelling the trees would come to help them. Over and over they maniacally wailed "you took my radio! You took my radio!!!"

I had taken in enough of this little demon drama, and asked them to politely give back the tracker and we could go about our business. They were trying to evade me, so I did what any person would do in this situation, I grabbed them and restrained them so that I could secure the property that didn't belong to them.  Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I would be facing this predicament, but alas, I retrieved the device and went about my evening. 

The next day, the ranger returned to their post, and from what I've gathered from sources in town (my supply people) is that they continued to enjoy the effects of their psychotic break and the local sheriffs were called in to contend with them. I'm not sure where they went but, the ranger hasn't been seen for a few days. I'll hope they're somewhere getting assistance for their paranoid delusional attack and will come out the other end improved with some coping skills to avoid future breaks. 

Needless to say, it was an interesting encounter. The hiker has gone back to town, when I descend from my base camp I'll be sure to return their property, and move on from the short stint of infatuation with said hiker. Not a lot more to be said about that. 

I've had an opportunity to reflect on the situation, and have realized that I'm not sure I made a great choice on how open this base camp is. I'll be scouting a new base camp position and what that looks like over the next while. Until then, I'm covert enough that I shouldn't need to worry too much about visitors and guests. 

The Hiker Returns.... With a tale...

So, here I am sitting in front of a crackling fire, obsessing over this hiker that made an appearance the other day.  Having some canned beans and stewed squirrel for dinner, when who walks in?  That’s right!  This fucking hiker shows up distraught and seemingly disoriented.  I just about spit the squirrel into the fire as I jumped up. 

Their "Hi" was casual as in like, “Oh Hey Paulo, whats up?  I’m here, it’s no big deal….”  I could clearly tell they were different than the last time I saw them.  As we talked, it becomes clear from their account of the past few days that they’ve had quite the adventure.  (Keeping in mind, I’ve been on this hillside for about 8 months now, so my people skills are somewhat lack lustre and I'm grilling them like a Spaniard would.  Remember that I’m also very lonely, so I am confused myself about how to proceed because yes, they're just as hot as they were a few days ago.)

As the story goes on, they recount their experience and the past few days since leaving the basecamp.  They had misplaced their map which totally sucks when you are following an unmarked trail.  The loss of the map put them on a wrong trail.  They admitted that they had thought about following their steps back to my location immediately, but they were convinced that everything was okay and kept on.

So, they continued their hike and the events of the adventure through the various switch backs, over the peaks, and through the trees.  They had a brief and near deadly encounter with a bear that they were luckily able to scare off by playing Justin Bieber music (which bothered me that they had that available to them on a mountain side, but hey, I'll pack that little bastard for my next trip if it works.)  They became more uneasy as nightfall hit, and they were lucky to find a cave in the hillside and were able to spend a few nights in while they figured out what to do.  They thanked me for keeping them alive with the gift of my squirrel jerky I gave them when they made their departure from my Basecamp. 

As they told me the tale of their adventure, I couldn’t help but take note of their full canteen of water.  Not really that odd, I have found fresh water in various locations, so they could have done the same.  I’m not sure if now would be a good time to point out that I am generally suspect of people and have some pretty major trust issues surrounding the people I meet especially as they tell me tales that are somewhat incredulous.  I have met a number of “one-uppers”  in life. (“one uppers” are people that no matter what you say, they’ve got a similar story that is to them a more insane and better version to tell.) I usually run from these people as fast as my tiny legs can carry me.

Anyhow, back to the poor hiker, I offered them some of my beans and squirrel and they said they weren't hungry… ? Huh? You’ve only had about 3 strips of jerky in as many days and you aren’t hungry?  Something seems off, are they anorexic?  How did they even manage to make it back here with no energy?

That’s when it dawned on me, they were wearing new gloves.  This lying fucker hadn’t been lost in the hills, they were home and have come back for whatever god damned reason.  What was going on, was I being punked?  I looked around for a crew and cameras, and promising myself that whoever decided to put this together would be circumcised with the lid from my canned beans.  I was instantly on the offensive. I completely shut everything off as far as conversation went and stuck to listening to their tale, and seeing just how big of a hole they would dig for themselves.  I also took this opportunity to try and figure out how the hell I was going to get rid of them, because something wasn't right.  

Now, normally I would just call them out and call their bullshit.  Something in this case suggested that could end up resulting in Paulo Jerky, soooooo, I need a strategy.  I guess the goal will be to figure out a way to make myself repulsive?  That’s pretty much impossible, I’m as sexy as Jennie Garth in that candy shoes ad where she’s sitting taking a crap.  Yeah, I’m pretty irresistible, and I've found that sometimes the more awful you can be to someone the more they want to stick around.  Martyr Complex?

I'll be honest, the lonely part of me kicks in.  "Maybe they are trying to impress you, and get your attention?"  It is clearly my fault that I didn’t give them the attention at the beginning like I should have.  I mean had I shown my true thoughts and feelings when they showed up, they would have been clear on how cool I thought they were to begin with and they wouldn’t need to compensate so much?  Make sense? Nope, it’s fucking crazy, that’s why.  They probably would have thought I was a lonely and desperate mountain man and wouldn't have come back for a second look.  I've been that guy before, sometimes you have to have a second look to find out if something is crap or not. 

Alright, so whats the strategy here?  I have some options…

I can ask them why they’re fibbing?  Is it for effect?  Do they actually believe what they are telling me?  If it's for effect, then they can stop, cause I'm into them.  If they believe what they are saying (even if they don't want to admit they're doing it for attention, then.... yeah, that settles that)

I can ignore it, and try absolutely anything to get them to share a sleeping bag with me for a few days. (Being the second of the month, I had my monthly bath yesterday, WIN!)  This may not work out well in the long run as they may never leave and my 5 months remaining up here will be shortened immensely from diminishing rations. 

I can just withdraw from them completely, ask them to leave me alone, and go on about my business.  However, that one leaves me with unanswered questions as to why they did it.  Anyone that knows me knows that this will torment me for life. 

So, I think about it some more… Do they suffer from Martyr Syndrome? 

Here I am sitting across the fire from this individual, who hours earlier I was obsessed with.  Now, I’m just looking at them, awkwardly.  I lied and blamed this on my social awkwardness from being isolated, but really, I’m fighting the urge to say.  “Why the fuck are you here, and what the fuck do you want from me.  I know you went somewhere and got new gloves and you’re lying about a bear.  The only bear you’re going to have a run in with will be me, and yes, Justin Bieber will make me run away too.”

This my friends, is why I'm up here in the first place.  So, maybe I’ll fill you in on how things progress as I find out more….

Paulo has a stroke.....?

I’ve always found that I am the type of person that connects with people before I connect with things.  What that means is that I find an interaction with a person to hold far more importance than a collection of stuff.  Possessions have always been a burden of sorts they seem to weigh down the freedom that I feel and they make me feel enslaved to them in a spiritual way.  The expression “things can own you” rings a certain level of truth for me. 

Like any great turning point in life, after you go through it you can trace back usually to the key point at which things begin to change.  There is always a specific moment in life where any transformation begins to take place, be it an emotional, spiritual or a physical transformation.  The event can be a conscious decision, a lifestyle change, or a specific event or grouping of events. 

The trick with things in life is that the test comes first and the lesson comes after.  One day you can be sitting minding your own business, checking what your friends are up to on one of the many social networks intended to connect you.  The thing with a social network is that it cheapens the interaction you have by making it possible to connect with many people quickly, and easily.  I found that I had been using social networks exactly how they were designed, and was essentially using them to keep tabs without actually connecting with people.  I felt because I had a growing list of followers and connections, that I wasn’t alone in the world.

It doesn't seem like anything out of the ordinary, for most people, it becomes a matter of routine.  Once there was a phone call, now its a post, or a click.  You don’t realize how much your life has changed, you tell yourself it hasn’t changed you.  Then one morning, you find yourself staring at a page, reading a message from someone you don’t know telling someone that you do know who you’ve considered a dear friend ”Rest in Peace”.  That is when a small part of you falls off, and flakes away, and you realized that you’ve lost a part of yourself.  The realization that you have changed is hard enough to contend with, much less dealing with the concept of what made you realize it to begin with.

Society programs conditions into how to handle events, and what should be expected of you in response to certain events.  It wasn’t long after finding out that one of my dear friends had passed away that I found myself going through the motions of grief, struggling with the loss. I didn’t know I was struggling, or having trouble with any of it, until much later of course. I felt like I just needed to do what was expected.  You tell yourself that it will be okay and that life will go on.  Life doesn’t actually go on, it is forever changed, the loss never gets easier.  You just get more accustomed to how you feel and it becomes your new normal. 

As you trace back the events in your life, you remember the pivot points that had the most significant impact.  My story is no different, its the proverbial fork in the road that one path leads you to one fate, and the other along another path.  These forks present themselves at the most bizarre of times, and somedays you find yourself at a fork that feels like a traffic circle where all the exits have spikes to prevent you from making your way out without some damage from the route.  Life does this, it’s how we learn. 

I was sitting in a bright yellow shirt, the front row of a community centre, with the rest of the pallbearers.  Feeling like you are undeserving to be there with the rest of the people.  Feeling guilty that you were too distant, and didn’t try to spend more time with your friend.  You feel the emptiness of the void that exists knowing you will never be able to have the chance ever again.  You sit there, with a box of kleenex to wipe away your tears for the amazing people that you knew, you think about the things they taught you in the fourteen years you’ve known them.  You smile from time to time at the good memories.  You hear other peoples stories about them, and you remember how much a part of their story you actually were.  You realize how much of your story they are a part of.  You remember how you felt the moment you walked in, and how the rush of emotion came over you when you don’t recognize anyone, and their sister comes across the room to hug you.  They tell you how great of a friend you were, you had the whole car ride to think about how you have become self absorbed, and how you wished you would have done more.  You cry.  Once the stop is pulled out, you wont stop.  The seal has been broken and your emotion is free to flow without restriction.  No one is judging you.  This moment will never be forgotten, it will live with you forever.  You will retire the greeting “Hey Beautiful!” which was once reserved for this friend. You start to change things in honour of the loss that you’re feeling, it’s part of the process of honouring the person that has left the world.  It’s a gripping feeling that takes over.  You leave the event, feeling like you shared your grief with others, and you are reassured that you aren't alone in the loss.  There is a certain aspect of everything where you are reminded again of the value of your mortality, and you begin to yearn for experience in ways that are true to what is important to you, and the people that you want to honour.  

You remind yourself of the values that are important to you, and the things that you and your friend shared.  You try to live to honour their passions, and carry on their legacy in some way.  You go home, thinking about your day on the car ride home.  You stop and see family along the way for comfort and support.  You think to yourself, no one else knows how I feel right now.  I’m alone, even though you were just in a room full of people that shared in the feeling that you had, but you have internalized what you feel and you made it about you, and the guilt that you feel for not being a better friend. The drive home isn’t memorable, nothing of any importance happens.  You just make your way down the highway in a daze and programatically go through the next year just trying to remember who you are and how your life will be different going forward.  A few months and you’ve adjusted into the new normal. 

Before you know it a year has passed.  You’ve resumed your life, and you didn’t even realize it but you snapped back into your routine so quickly that even you didn’t notice, and you didn’t see it in retrospect.  The months click by, and before you know it you are staring down the brunt of another friend who has left the planet.  You question where you are at in life, you question your happiness.  The evaluations that you are living for you, and living your truth are questions that weigh on your mind.  You don’t feel the hurt because you’re so caught up in life.  It is easier this way. You remove emotion from everything you do.  Passion has died in your life, and you think that this is what life is.  You convince yourself that you are alive, and you are happy.  The goals you are reaching for have convinced you that they are worthy and they are important.  You don’t question that things are exactly as they should be. 

You’re sitting in a pew in a church, watching videos of your friend who lived a full life.  They tried to maximize every moment of their life once they realized that their mortality was at stake.  Only then did they seem to live with intent, and strive to have moments that were marked and memorable.  The guilt and questions of life flood back as you think about where you are at and what is important to you. You become retrospective about the things you have accomplished in the past year, six months, and in your life.  You begin to evaluate the possessions you have and you question their value to you.  You’ve lost a piece of yourself and you aren’t sure exactly how to get it back.  If you were standing having a heart to heart conversation with your twenty year old self at thirty, you wouldn’t even be able to see eye to eye.  Was this personal growth, or was this selfless compromise?

At twenty you had simplicity, your life was comprised of a few suitcases of clothing, and memorabilia that was sentimental.  You had a teddy bear that you slept with, and you had photos of friends that you didn’t see often.  You had memories and were generally care free and stress free.  You thought life was one great adventure.  People who you perceived were older and wiser told you things like, “You need to have some roots, you need somewhere to settle down and build a life” or “you can’t ride on other peoples coat tails forever.”  You believed them because they were role models to you.  If you thought about the things that were important to you at the time, having a car, or a house, or furniture didn't really mesh with the priorities for you right now.  You bragged about the fact that you could move all of what you own in one compact car.  You were truly mobile, you had nothing to really tie you down.  

As you look back on your life, you realized that at some point, you stopped being so fluid in life, and you started slowing things down.  This comes along with acquisition of possessions and things that you don’t necessarily need, but can no longer borrow or use because other people around you will not share them with you.  You contemplate what kind of home you want to build for yourself, and you think about what that would look like.  You miss some opportunities and you feel like you’ve missed the boat, and you don’t really know where to start with any of it.  You think about the kind of relationship you want to have, you have a list of criteria for the person that will make you feel engaged and alive.  The list seems impossible initially, but then all of a sudden the universe delivers what you’ve thought would never be found.  It’s not perfect, but you accept that perfection doesn’t exist and you find a way to make the most of the situation because things are pretty close, and that’s enough for you. 

You begin your new life adjusting to all the changes, modifying your goals blindly, changing what is important to you for your new life with someone.  You begin to plan and move along a path of a couple, working with each other to make things happen collectively.  It’s fast paced and things move quickly.  It all feels right so you go with it.  You don’t really stop to evaluate, or check in with yourself as an individual and that individual person gets lost slightly in the shuffle of the new couple.  In my case, it got lost entirely in the shuffle.  Looking back, it was clear to see that I was party to a plan, that wasn’t my plan.  I was a financier in a high risk investment with no financial pay back.  What I received in return was experience, memories, and life experience.  There isn’t a moment I looked at what I was doing and said, what a waste.  We are the sum of our experiences and this was an operation in the formula of who I am. 

Then you look back in retrospect from the perspective of being a thirty year old. You wake up one morning, you have two properties, a fleet of vehicles, and you run around scrambling trying to pay for it all.  You’ve become consumed by life and paying for your possessions that you aren’t living.  You think you are alive, but that is the stress that reminds you that you exist, but you are not existing. You’ve become so obsessed with the pursuit of goals and a collective ambition that has been adopted as yours that you forgot what was important, how do you get back to what’s important to you again once you have strayed that far.  How do you make way to rein it all in.

The beauty of retrospect is the clarity in which we can see where we strayed.  Unfortunately this type of clarity is usually the result of a cataclysmic event in life that has become the catalyst of change or the “a-ha” moment where even though at the time we didn’t know that a pivotal change was taking place, that was exactly what was happening to you.  We can pin point this moment once we have gone through the terrors of the transition, but not before or during.

So, logically you need to decide where to go from here and you think to yourself.  What is it all about. How do you get back to the path that is right for you.  Theres no escaping the life you’ve created without some drastic measures.  It seems that it is easier to get into these situations than it is to get out of them.  That is true.  Typically, when one realizes they have followed the wrong path in life, they feel a sense of entrapment and hopelessness.  You don’t know what steps you need to take to get out of what you’ve been telling yourself you’ve wanted for so long.  Then, as you sit around wondering how you got here, how you get back, and what to do a cataclysmic event takes place in your life that jars you into action.  You may be jarred into action by force or out of a desire to change things for yourself. Whatever the reason, it’s starting to happen to you.  

The cataclysm will come in a variety of forms, a death, disease, breakup, or some other moment that causes you to question your very existence.   In my case it was a number of deaths followed by a breakup.  It took me a while to see that the life my partner and I were building together was the life that they wanted, and not the life I wanted.  Our collective goals were a mirror of their goals.  This was a compromise I made as a result of being indifferent about most direction in life, and my core values and beliefs that put humans and companionship above all other goals.   I enjoyed having nice things, but those things were not a reflection of the person I was.  Material items were something I didn’t want to hold too dear to myself because they could be taken away from me.  Humans could be taken away as well, but at the same time there is value and return on the emotional investment you make in people. 

The great thing about cataclysmic change is the opportunities it provides you with.  Things that when your life is going smoothly seem to be far from mind.  I had no idea where I was going with this, so I’m stopping now. Hope you enjoyed.

Where the fuck did you come from?

Ever meet someone and think to yourself; “Holy FUCK! this person is the best thing since Microwave Popcorn in a Pop-up Bowl!!!!”

There’s this strange phenomena that occurs whenever I am feeling lonely, and I meet anyone that can form a sentence using adverbs and adjectives without hash tagging them. This phenomena is what I refer to as “Falling off the mother fucking cliff”  why do I call it that?  Go fall off a cliff, and it won’t take long before you too realize just how helpless it is to fight what is happening to you.  No matter what you try to do, you can’t stop falling. (Just like that Alicia Keys song.) So, resolve yourself to the fact that you fell off the cliff and accept that you are now falling.  If you can’t resolve yourself to falling, you’re just going to come off as a lunatic. (Kind of like Tyler Duerden in Fightclub as he fights himself in the parking lot.)  So… there is some advice for people out there that have found themselves falling off the cliff, and it is really simple.  

So, back to my falling off the mother fucking cliff.  Imagine this, in the midst of moving basecamp, just as I was getting some of the finer details set in place and figuring, yes I’m good, I can do this, then in struts a hiker dressed to the nines in the latest hiking technology with all the gear you thought you would want to have.  They’re there, standing in the middle of your solitude and looking down on you as though they’re just as surprised to see you as you are them.   Now, keeping in mind, I’ve been in various parts of the bush since the fall.  I don’t get a lot of interaction with people.  Usually when I do, it’s in a controlled and coordinated manner.  Having someone take the reins and walk into my world where I have no control was a bit off putting.  I was unsure if what was happening was real. 

Then, we spoke, for hours actually.  It seemed like there would never be anything we couldn’t talk about.  Maybe it was the loneliness and the isolation that did it, and that human interaction felt so good at this moment.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that somehow I lost my footing and fell off that mother fucking cliff.  Now, not sure if you’ve been hiking ever or not, but the objective is to follow a trail, or plan and get home before dark.  So, like all great things, they must come to an end.  I wanted nothing more than for this hiker to stay with me all night, but really, I had just moved my base camp and wasn’t exactly set up to accommodate anyone but myself at this point. Really, what am I supposed to say?  “Hey, wanna stick around, I have a great pot of beans and chilli to make, and we can roll up into one sleeping bag for the night…. what do ya say?”

I know many that would scoff me for not trying, but alas, that is not my style.  I pointed the hiker in the direction of my blog, wished them well on their way, and gave them some of my earlier jerky that I had made.  (It was made from squirrels, and I wasn’t really a fan.)

So, since the hiker disappeared over the summit and returned to where people shower more than once a fortnight, I’m not sure if they will remember me or not.  Now, I’m up in this wilderness until spring melt, that is what I planned, and promised myself.  I am going no where until then.  When I had this encounter, my basecamp had just been moved and much of it was still packed up…. It would be very very easy to get out of here and follow them down the face.  Who knows if the hiker even cared about me or if they were just afraid of becoming my “Mountain Wife” and said what they needed to say to get out of here.  Needless to say, here I sit thinking about them returning to me, to spend the rest of the winter with me collecting nuts, trapping critters, and roaming the lands like cro-magnon hunter gatherers, grunting and hunting. 

It’s been 4 days since they left the basecamp, I expect they made it home and have returned to their normal programming.  I’m a bit too far out to expect to see them terribly soon, but I have made instructions to the steno pool monitoring blog comments that they are to make every attempt to send them back out this way after I get some more stores sent out so I can offer a proper reception.  That is what is referred to as falling of a mother fucking cliff.  It’s irrational processing of thoughts and playing out a storyline faster that it actually plays out so that you can determine if there is a point in continuing. It’s a fantastic little place where you wonder why the heck you do what you do.

So, when you fall off the cliff, because you can’t get back onto it, the best approach is to leave your body, and let your brain take over where the irrational is playing in, only then will you see the truth in what the situation is.  I’ve fallen off the cliff as a result of people being nice…. that’s the mind fuck that is referred to as wishful thinking.  The only thing worse than falling off the cliff, is for both of you to do it simultaneously.  That’s when real damage is done.

Myrna, Beulah, and Prudence

Sometimes people come into our lives and we tend to overthink and over evaluate what the meaning is.  I have three of those particular people that I have been trying to figure out lately.  I don't know if I'm supposed to pursue romantic congress, or what exactly their station is in my circumstance. 

I don't know what the situation is half the time, because they can't seem to send a direct enough message for me to intercept, and I'm not sure if I should over think the situation or not.  It likely has a little bit to do with my ego, which I need to remember to check.  The ego thing in itself is such a cluster fuck of the mind which makes you think that you are awesome, then in the next breath you have self image and self worth issues that make you question if you're worthy of what you think you deserve. It's a vicious cycle. 

Myrna is a great lady, she smiles and laughs, and is a caring soul.  There are hints that she would like to say something that is on her mind, my ego says that she likes me and wants to pursue something with me.  My self worth wonders why.  Then I think about the signs, and over analyze everything to death and somehow get myself into a tizzy where I am delusional and have the following conversation with myself,

"oh wow, they want to date me.  I don't know how that makes me feel?  I can't let on that I think they want to date me because if I'm wrong then I everything will be awkward, but I think they want to date me and I don't know if they do or not, so that's all I'm going to think about and when I do interact with them its going to be super awkward because I have to be smart and not let on that I think they want to date me...."

Yeah, its a cluster fuck in the brain that is just the most amazing experience one can have.  So, what I've learned from this is... I'm an idiot and I don't pick up on subtext, well that's not true.  What is true is, I have ADHD and people with ADHD sometimes can't pick up on subtext, but when they do, they sometimes (read: nearly always) over analyze the situation and read far more into it than they need to. 

Repeat the story above with Beulah, and again with Prudence, and you will have a pretty good summary of the past 10 years of my life with people that are friends and wanted more, or people that eluded to things, and when I caught on it was a bit too late. 

How the fuck do you go back and apologize to these people and tell them that you're a grade A asshole?  Answer, you don't, it's their fucking fault for beating around the bush and not telling you their truth.   Sometimes, being evasive, and elusive is stupid because it works.  There are people out there that may not like the truth, but it's certainly more efficient than playing a game of coy school girl.  The only time I like that game is when we're role playing in the bedroom (as consenting adults.)

Well that is my procrastination rant for the evening, I have to be up early to boil water for my monthly sponge bath. 

Ceasar!!!!

So I know that many of you think that I may have died, based on the panic stricken messages that I did not receive over the holidays inquiring to the status of my health, and safety.  It’s really easy to feel unloved when you’re out of sight and out of mind.  However, at the same time, the fact that no one is nagging me is a good indication in the faith that people put in my ability to go this alone and be able to navigate and survive the wilderness on my own with the tools of my own devices.  So we can appreciate that, plus, I’m fucking awesome, what the hell is there to worry about.

The past month has been an interesting adventure.  I had a few days where I just didn’t feel like giving a shit about anything.  I didn’t set any trap lines, I didn’t gather any food, I didn’t really do much.  I slept a lot, dipped into emergency food stores (which isn’t a big deal as long as I replenish them.)  Days like this happen, you just have to be able to roll with the punches.  Also, there have been some pretty intense planning and strategy sessions which can be exhaustive if you don’t manage the amount of time and energy you put into building your next strategy.  The strategy I was working on was how to move basecamp and make it more secure.  A plan that will rely heavily on a solid strategy, that is executed with precision and discipline.  There are logistics to consider, there are improvements needed, and then there is the physical security aspects of having a basecamp on your own in somewhat new territory.   So, I worked on that a lot which took me away from the primal needs of my day to day.  That’s why you pack a contingency ration and use it as needed.  I’ve already sent out a replenish order for the things I have used so I’m good that way. 

Whenever I establish a basecamp, I hold a ceremony to commission each and every basecamp.  The current basecamp was commissioned with a snowball being thrown at the door in November to symbolize the impenetrable strength that it is to represent to me.  I’ve also had them commissioned by myself as I sometimes run around acting like I am Ceasar Paulo of the Middle of Nowhere. I run around pretending the trees are my army and are all standing at attention for me, ignoring the fact that no matter what I would ask them to do would probably be ignored.

In any case, I consider myself royalty and think pretty highly of myself.  Really though, I’m the most amazing human for miles and miles. So, in building my strategy and plan for moving my basecamp, which is a phenomenal undertaking both emotionally, and logistically.  I found a few things that rang true to any plan and have established some rules to follow whenever you are making plans to change anything be it moving a basecamp from one summit to another at 1300 meters above sea level, or just making a plan for your own life.  

Rule 1, Avoid critics.  These fuckers will do anything to see you fail, they will have some valid criticisms that will help you plan better, but at the same time, they don’t understand your journey, so don’t let their opinion or criticisms fuck with the plans you are making for your life.  They wont be there if you fail, other than to be smug about it anyhow so really.  Just skip the critic part. 

Rule 2, Keep the plan a secret.  Letting people in on your plans, gives them opportunities to throw wrenches into your plan.  Act like a publicly traded company that is just about to announce  a super huge deal that will send shares soaring.  “Loose lips, sink ships” (and are unattractive.)

Rule 3,  Have a smart plan, think about possible set backs, and make a contingency for each. Shit happens, theres no reason you should feel defeated because something happens that you aren’t ready for.  Figure out what the issues will be and then figure out the best way to address them to accomplish what needs to be accomplished.  Simple right?  Some people have trouble putting this one into practice. 

Rule 4, Assume that no one will help you.  In my case, I’m in this alone, I have no one to help.  I mean sure, the squirrels and moose are going to stare at me and monitor the progress, but they sure as shit aren’t going to be helping move my piles of crap from one camp to the next.  I have to know that I can do it on my own, and that I will be able to maintain and sustain on my own as well.  Look at your plan this way.  If you do have help, go back to rule three, and factor that help not being there as it’s likely that at some point you will be let down by a support. 

Rule 5, don’t worry about it, just get doing it.  It will happen.  Set yourself some small victories that can be measured easily.  For example.  I set the goal that I want to move from my current position, to another position elsewhere.  First thing I needed to do was to decide where I wanted to be.  Once that was decided, I started thinking about how much I needed to accomplish in order to get there.  I broke down this evaluation into groups of things that needed to be done to prepare, and each of those things once completed became a point on the scale that measured the success.  The more you accomplish in the right direction, the easier it gets.  Setting small points to be at in order to achieve a larger goal breaks it up into small things that you can achieve and are less overwhelming. 

So, when you’re running around acting like Cesar on the side of a mountain (Maybe I’m more like Moses) you can remember that in life, you are the King (or queen) and you control the environment you are in and the things you allow to happen become a part of your success.  With that, I’m going to cook up some beans and fart myself into tomorrow. 

Hail Ceasar!