Hanging out - Feeling Like I'm Proud enough.

I'd like to start off by saying that I think having pride in oneself is important. Coming together to celebrate that as a community is also incredibly important. However, I think it's important to qualify that with the condition; "when it's genuine."

As we roll into June there are a variety of festivals taking place to celebrate all kinds of diversity. As we roll into the events that take place it seems like everyone and their dog (literally in some cases) are coming out of the wood work to be friendly and encourage attendance.

Over the past few weeks I've had a barrage of unsolicited invitations to various events on social networks, by text and in person. To the point where I'm closing event reminders daily (sometimes multiple times a day) to things I never accepted because social networks “conveniently” add them to my calendar automatically.

Now, to explain why I don't participate.  Reason number one is lack of time/energy. That one is self explanatory and before someone jumps up and says "reprioritize" wait for reason two.
Reason two, a general lack of interest as a result of a variety of things. One of them is, I don't have an interest genuinely in the events taking place. Another could be, I've got nothing to wear (seems trite, but relevant as you read on.) Finally, I'm pretty introverted and don't really enjoy rolling solo to an event where I don't know anyone (but that's the only way to meet people you say? Keep reading.)
Now as we boil down my experience I can sum it up succinctly by saying, "I don't feel like I want to belong to this community of people based merely on one aspect of who I am.  There are many more interesting things about myself than who I get intimate with."

A few things about me many people are surprised when they find out:

Cool stuff

• I Speak three languages
• I ride a motorbike
• I remember things triggered by dates, smells, and music. It's nearly perfect memory when it happens
• I like the sunrise and sunset

Not so cool stuff

• I have depression with an anxiety booster
• I don't like who I am when I'm in certain situations (mostly group social settings) 
• I'm vicious and ruthless when I'm on the defensive, so I'm constantly thinking if someone is intentionally being a jerk or if I just ignore it. (Exhausting) 

So, coming back to festivals and community. I don't fit. It's not my community, it's a community of people bound by one small facet of their being. It's a festival that brings people together for a week, likened to lent, where they try to make up for all the mean spirited things they have done to each other over the past year.

I've never seen a group of people with so much disdain for each other that they are ruthless in their bullying, relentless in their torment and with zero regard for peoples feelings in their interaction.  I mean, when was the last time someone in your community made you feel so excluded because of your sense of style, a hairstyle, the outfit you had on, or your physical appearance. I've seen it happening, dealt with the fallout when someone else had been beaten down so badly they were inconsolable, it's happened to me, and regrettably I've done it to others as well.

After having been on the sidelines for the better part of a decade now, (Relationship and recovery) I find myself facing some of these challenges again on a daily basis with people from the community.  I’ve all but given up, because for every 40 conversations, you end up with one that is notable and worth pursuing a friendship with.  Genuine and confident people are the cats ass.

In the meantime, I live in a remote, fairly progressive community.  I’ve begun socializing with people locally now, because I seem to have a higher rate of success in meeting genuine people.  I don’t hide who I am, and I encourage any questions people have and make it a point to respectfully answer most of them.

This experience has taught me that I don't need to go and be a part of a festival with people who are strangers to me. I have friends, neighbours and family right here at home that are becoming a larger part of my day to day life. I appreciate them, they build me up, I build them up. It's beautiful.  It's how it should be.

So, until I feel like the community of strangers decides that they need to build each other up consistently and genuinely in order to celebrate successes rather than challenge people to failure. I'm out! (See what I did there)

If you need to find me, I'll be drinking beer with the people close to me who don’t care if I’m wearing designer labels, or matching socks.  This is where I feel at home, and a part of something that I had been trying to find all along.

To everyone out there celebrating this week, stay safe, love each other inherently and without limits, each and every one of you is unique, and amazing!  Even the mean ones... You're just shielding yourself. I get it, I did it too. I hope that one day you find a place where you can set your shield down too. 

When you run out of time and base camp falls apart

There comes a point where you start to realize that you're only a man in a silly red cape.... no wait... that wasn't where I was going with this.

I've been busy lately getting basecamp sorted out now that the snow is gone.  I've been moving things around, seeing all the damage of the winter to my various equipment.  I'm wondering what I need to get done in the next few weeks to make this summer season a success.  I've been running this base camp for 24 months now, and It doesn't appear to be getting any easier.

It seems that my suppliers don't have any interest in helping me either, so I'm here running around on my own doing things.  To say the least I'm feeling overwhelmed.

What's my plan?  I don't know, maybe packing out, and rejoining society.  I would have to shave and get a hair cut.  I did manage to put together some hard shelter and make myself a work space.  It's not too shabby.  I had a chance to have a photo taken, I figured I should share it with my wonderful follower, but I can't get upload to work, so that's no good. Oh well, next time.

Paulo takes a vacation....

So, I left base camp. Well I traded in base camp for a temporary base camp. One with warm weather, palm trees and an ocean breeze. 

It's a struggle for me to be out with the general public. Much less to be around tourists, and even worse is being treated like a *gasp* tourist. I'm just here to people watch, see if I can have a conversation. Heck, even would like to have the courage to walk into a bar alone and order a drink. That seems minor but it's a pretty tall order considering where my head is at. 

My main struggle lately has been with self confidence, and that lends itself to disappointment, which lends to anger, which lends to depression. That's my psycho-babble on why I am so "unique" as someone so eloquently put it. I'd like to say I'm the strong silent type, but really I'm the strong silent types retarded third cousin twice removed; weak chicken shit type. 

So, here I sit in my current spot on a yellow bench of a busy corner feeling somewhat like a hooker past retirement and watching cats go by that are sure to have more interesting adventures tonight. 

I've had a lot to think about in the past 21 months. I don't know if I've gotten anywhere, maybe just self aware. That can't be that bad can it?  The trouble is, I am who I am, I won't apologize and I won't hide. There's no point. The truth comes out eventually. 

So, back to if I will find a place to comfortably have a beer alone not knowing anyone. I'm more likely to stop at the corner store and get one then drink it as I wander aimlessly down the street. 

I have to break this fear, if I can't break it then I'm not making progress. Everything is intentional, and everything has meaning. I'm here for a reason and that reason might just be to break this anxiety and grow a little bit by stretching my comfort zone. 

Maybe I'll find a nice local that will change my world. Because that would be wise. I'm still not there.

______________

Two hours later I'm having my third beer at the second bar. I feel like this is a small victory. I've had a conversation with someone who sells rental properties, and a bartender who thinks I'm hot. #easywins

Vivian Ward

I recently met Vivian, they showed up after a few weeks of planning and we spent an evening together at basecamp. Nothing monumental, just two people sharing each others company. 

We shared some silent moments, made some small talk and generally stumbled through some awkward silence.  It wasn’t long before our mutual chemistry bonded and we were gently moving closer to each other.  They found it easy to get cozy and snuggle right in after a few short hours. 

As we talked and gently touched, Vivian looked at me for a bit longer than a glance.  I clearly picked up on some energy and as we locked eyes, Vivian said quietly, “I don’t kiss reclusive mountain men… sorry”

So, you wonder, where the hell does that leave you?  You’re essentially Richard Gere in Pretty Woman wondering how much this night is going to cost you, and you think about tossing your guest down the cliff face and moving on with your regular evening of trapping squirrels and skinning them for kebabs.  No, you push through, and accept the information that seems somewhat unsolicited at this point. 

Your curiosity gets the most of you by this point and you ask, “Well, if you don’t kiss reclusive mountain men, what do you do?”  The response, comes without a flinch and they’re giving you a laundry list of interests that almost reads like a menu.  You want to ask, “My choice?” but you resist. 

Fast forward to the next day, when they’re still hanging around basecamp, and you don’t really want them to run away because after all, you find out that they do in fact “Kiss reclusive mountain men”

Send them home, you’re faced with the torment…. Is now the time to come down off of this mountain, or should I move basecamp again to secure my location?  Who knows, lets see if Vivian finds their way back to basecamp. 

Anyone know where to rent a limo in the mountains?  I might need it if things go the way they did in Pretty Woman. 

I’ll always love you, care about you…. for the next 2 seconds then i’ll be completey self involved again.

Recently, I found myself injured and was unable to actually communicate with the outside world.  One of my “handlers” took it upon themselves to contact loved ones on my behalf in concern for my safety.

I wasn’t aware any of this was going on, I was in a coma, so really it didn’t matter.

During the frantic attempts at contacting people, somehow, in the infinite wisdom, the handler felt it would be appropriate for someone out of my past, a lover, to be contacted about my well being.  Really?  this is the same person that I can credit with my current obsession of being in basecamps and the constant movement in my life. Yes, I have an idea, lets call them.

I am somewhat shocked about the way this all went down.  This individual, the former lover, in our last conversation professed that they will always care, and have a love for me.  However, upon receipt of the news that there was concern about my well being, they consciously made it fairly clear, confirming my suspicions really, that their words mean shit. I don’t mean the kind of shit that one finds on Andreas roof deck, I mean proper shit.

Maybe I just need to stop expecting people who were never honest to begin with to be honest at the end, much less to follow through with actions that match their words.

Black hat sends word by Carrier Pigeon

It wasn’t long ago that I wrote about Black Hat, Pink and Sparkles…..

It was even more recently that I received one of the most bizarre carrier pigeon messages.  Even more bizarre than some of the messages in a bottle that I’ve received from navy folk.

Yeah, It’s black hat, asking you why you wrote a blog about them, and then proceeds to hit on you because well you know.  That’s how you get back at someone for documenting a moment in their life.

I need to move farther into the bush.