Tuesday, July 25, 2017

It's all coming back to me now.....

When you can’t think of anything to talk about, but you want to just fall off the face of the planet for a while and be alone.  Yeah, that’s partly what I’m feeling right now. 

I’ve got so many things distracting me lately, but none of it is enough to actually distract me from being hurt, disappointed, or impatient.  The beautiful person that you know you want to be a part of your life, has said all of the right things to make you feel like its heading in the direction you want it to go.  You’re optimistic, and you even have the conversation about what the reality of them being a part of your life looks like.  All really real shit… Then, radio silence?  What the fuck?  

So you try to pry in and figure out what that’s about, and you get some back pedal story about the way they feel and how they’re worried about breaking your heart and theirs.  Maybe, just maybe they know what they’re talking about, but you suspect it’s more likely they didn’t know what the impact of what they were saying would have and once they started thinking about it they either got scared or something better came along.  

It all hurts the same, regardless of the cause.  So who’s to blame?  You, for believing and having faith?  Them, for not knowing what they wanted, or for being distracted by the next thing that came along?  Or is it really faultless?  Seems hard to not blame someone when it all feels so shitty, so you try to talk your way around it.  The crap about emotion is that logic and reasoning have no place here.  You don’t get to talk your way out of emotional pain, you just have to go through it until you adjust and it dulls. 

So, where do you go from here, it seems that the more open you are the more it hurts, the less open you are the more likely you will be to miss the boat. It feels like you can’t win.  So, the solution.  Distraction.  You buy a house and you fix it up, you start a project, you do things that are interesting and you see if they make you feel like you’re doing something productive with yourself. 

Keep doing what you love, and making the love, your faith will pay off.  This is the process.  You have no other way to learn but to go through this. 

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Social Reset Time....

Every once in a while I need to "turn off" in order to refocus. Previously, I used to think this meant that I had to delete all my friends and start over. Now I've realized that I can just fall off the face of the planet so to speak and people won't mind as long as I make sure to come back.

I've been a bit over connected lately, which is ok as I have shared a lot with friends over the past few months.  Now that we are into the later part of march, I've decided that I am going to take some time for myself. Re-evaluate what I'm going to do for the rest of the year and beyond.

Try to get back into writing and focus more on being alone with myself and more real life human contact with people. There are great people all around me that I interact with daily through routine and by chance. I want to look up from the screen and say hi with a smile to strangers.

My goal is to focus on me, and the people in front of me until the beginning of April. Write some new stories, tell some old ones, get a new tattoo and think about the passions of my life, what sort of future I want to build, and what I intend on achieving in the next year.

To do this, I am going to do the following;

Voicemail - deactivated
Email - disconnected
Phone - set to family only calls/texts (my phone is set to ignore all calls that aren't on the list of family)
Facebook - logged out
Instagram - logged out

I will continue to follow my routine, I'll do things I enjoy doing, when I feel like it and allow the universe to provide me what I need when I need it.

Think about it like I'm on a safari for three weeks, or I'm in an insane asylum for three weeks with no visitors allowed. Whatever you need to do to get through it.

Think about me at random, say hi whenever you need to, but don't be hurt if there's no reply. I'm just doing me, this is what I want right now, I know it's hard to live without me,  but I don't keep people in my life that aren't amazing and strong so I know in my heart of hearts that you can survive this too.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Another test from the universe

I've been getting bounced around a little bit by the universe lately.  For some reason bad things tend to happen when things aren't on the right path.  As long as I follow my instinct and stop listening to all the other garbage around me, things tend to progress fine. 

But, what fun is that right?  

I mean how does one have a story to tell if they just sorta go with the flow and don't make some kind of memories?  You will never have a story to tell if you don't get a few bruises.

Well enough with the fucking bruises.  It seems like at my age it takes longer to heal from the emotional bumps and scrapes than it takes to make them. The guard might need to go up with respect to how I feel about people.  It's one of those things thats there, or it's not.  What I know is when it's there it's has the intensity of a thousand suns. (Say that in a voice over voice.)

So the universe keeps tossing these things on my pathway, maybe to determine where I am at, or maybe my guardian angels are up there at the bar looking at each other and deciding that they're bored and want to play with every sense of balance I have. 

I know that I've been down a similar path before, and I know how it goes.  Hmmm, I believe this is my third viable attempt at this.  So is that it, three strikes and you're out.  For all you football fans there's a nice little sports analogy for ya. Do I give up?  Well I made that decision a few days ago. Subconsciously.

I'm about to admit to something I'm not incredibly proud of.  I slept with someone that I wasn't emotionally connected with, in an effort to break an emotional connection to someone that I shouldn't have an emotional connection to. Yeah, that was probably the dumbest thing I've done this year.   Cause it doesn't work, that's why it's dumb.  What's worse, I feel like I cheated on someone that I'm not even in a relationship with, because I have an emotional tie to them.  

See?  Isn't my head a fantastic place to be?  I wish I could charge admission to tour it, I'd pay to wander around inside what is likely very akin to charlie's chocolate factory.  Picture it, a bunch of oompa loompas running around all zapped out from anxiety, depression, and crying or laughing, or being so over the top laisser-faire about most things.  Yeah that would be magical alright. 

Back to me being a typical gay dude, and doing what normal gay dudes do all the time.  Shaming myself for something that I really shouldn't feel any shame for.  The guy I hooked up with was pretty hot.  Somehow I manage to attract some gorgeous guys.  I just don't really know how to keep them..... maybe I'm not supposed to.  

Alright, well back to the pseudo, in my head, not real boyfriend/relationship I think I have to be faithful to.  I'm guilting myself for being unfaithful, but then, I get mad because that's not a thing.  Yet I'm still upset, and I'm being distant with the guy, who likely won't care anyhow that it happened.  If he does care about it, there's not really much either one of us can do about it unless we feel like maybe it's a good idea to shorten up the distance between us.  That's unlikely.

So, I'm pissed at myself for no reason, and I sit and think about it more.  I'm not pissed at myself.  I didn't do anything really wrong, or against any rules.  I'm worried, insecure, and nervous that he's doing the exact same thing, and when I find out about it I'll be jealous, upset, devastated.  So, now I'm talking myself through that, and the rational side of my brain says, "So what? he's not yours..."  then the other side of my brain says "yes, yes, yes, I know, I know......" and you go back and forth on this for a day or two until finally...

You just admit to yourself that you really want him to be yours, the reason you want that is because you're tired of being strong all the time, you want someone to pick up the pieces and put them back together.  You've spent three years collecting them and putting them in a box.  You don't have them all sorted, but someone else can glue the broken pieces and they did start already without knowing. They started mending you, and you felt good, and because it's been so long since you felt that you craved it.  You want it so bad that you would move mountains and stars to make them see how right you are. But, you're overlooking something critical.  They aren't ready.  You pushing is selfish.  You have to let go and move along, however you do that.  It's not that time. It's not your time.  You still have to find that one piece of the puzzle before the doors to the next level will unlock.  (Yes a video game reference from a non-gamer)

So, chill the fuck out, take your foot off the gas, and just do you.  You are still too broken to find the right person.   You might never not be broken.  You have Stockholm syndrome, not Nightingale Syndrome.  Don't trade them.  Get rid of one. 

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Losing Street Games

You ever play one of those games where the fast talking guy has the marble and three cups and you're supposed to follow the marble as he moves the cups around.  I've never been very good at following the marble or winning games in general.  The answer I always have in those games is.  "The marble is under the cup that it's under" and I walk away.

I think that I'm like this in life to some extent as well, I don't deal well with subtle.  I need people to be very direct with me.

I also assume that people are deceptive by nature. I trust but verify just about everything that people tell me. 

It's a pretty shitty way to be, and verifying everything does absolutely nothing for my insecurity. 

So there's that.

I'm out of things to say today.  I'm just mad, and annoyed.  Mostly with myself, and with how unfair things feel this week.  Two deaths rocked my life, showing me just how delicate life is. More importantly, it forces me to have that dialogue with myself, forces me to question everything I'm doing to make sure that I'm on the right path and I'm pursuing my happiness. The reality is, that part of my life needs work.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Nerves, Nerves.... Love.... Poof....

Social anxiety sucks goat balls. I used to be able to socialize with people and not care how I came across. Now since I've grown and had the experiences I've had, I worry constantly that I'm being misunderstood. Work issues with people taking what I've said and misunderstanding but never explaining or letting me know that something I've said bothered them. 

Another huge part Is a result of years of emotional abuse (I maintain that they weren’t aware they were doing it, and I didn’t notice until I was out, so lets put the pitchforks and torches down people.)  I have PTSD of some sort when it comes to socializing and being around people. 

This manifests itself in the form of anxiety (which I’m really fucking good at hiding.)  There’s a continual fear that if I go out on a limb I'll be rejected, which is something I feel is more of a reflection on me, as opposed to a reflection on the other persons inability to see how fun it would be to hang with a bat shit crazy dude.

There’s a majority of self esteem, body image, and psychological trauma issues that play into all of this and make it worse. So, I constantly wonder, What's the answer?  Avoid? Not really.  But forcing myself to be in these situations is fine unless I'm not in control of it. Tonight I'm sort of in control but someone else is here with me so it's not really a control I have because I don't want to leave so early that they would have a shitty time. Right, that’s guilt, and needs to be dealt with separately.

So, you might think that's stupid but I need to expand my comfort zone in these kinds of situations so I'm standing in a corner writing about it making it look like I'm texting someone and I'm really important. Works for me I guess.  I don’t really text anyone, the reality is, aside from a couple of people I don’t really have what I call close friends.  I’m too much of a flake for that.  

There’s another factor here, that is occurring in my life, so as a result, my mind is racing and trying to read the last chapter before the first. I'm talking about the Handsome guy I went back to visit on the deserted island that he's inhabiting. 

The emotional/desire side of me just wants to jump in full force and go for broke. But, he's like me in the way that even if he wanted that too it's irresponsible to just dive in. I don't want to say it will be the greatest romance of my life but I like thinking that it could be. Already there I've got too much hope for it all. He is on a journey of his own and getting in the middle of that would interfere with his ability to find the path that's best for him. I need to make my own plans and hope that the paths cross. I'm already drawn to make plans that might put us on paths that could cross so I have to remove that from the equations in order to be honest with myself as well. 

That's the wrench in the machine that seems to always happen. What's the best solution? Disappear? I could, is that fair though?  I'm good at it. Would it hurt any future chance? Would it kill the flame?  I want a love story like the notebook, is that unrealistic. The man for me will bring that love to the table naturally, and I will feel full of love. If this ends up posted, it might mean that I'm disappearing, which is for two reasons. 
  1. To give me clarity to find the perspective I need, or
  2. To give you the clarity and freedom to work through what you need to work through to find your truth, whatever form that might take
Trust me, if I go, I will reappear at some point and we can see where things are at that point, if something changes for you, come find me and sweep me off my feet and begin one of the greatest love stories to ever be told to the whole wide world.

Saturday, February 25, 2017

We made it through.... and now, for my next trick.

Well it was high time I sent out an update, and filled all the loyal folks in on what was going on in my life.

Basecamp is no more. well the mountain base camp that I grew to love.  They became a thing of the past and I packed up and came down off the mountain in search of the next adventure.  

So, what does the next adventure look like.  It looks like a pilgrimage around the world in an effort to see as much of the world as I can before I no longer get to see the world. It means enjoying every moment and experience to it’s fullest.

The first thing I did after packing up basecamp was to go away on a vacation before I got serious about the next directions in my life.  Vacations are always supposed to be a time to reflect and shut down for me.  So, it comes as no surprise that while on vacation I lower my guards, am truer to my genuine self, and allow for things that otherwise wouldn’t be options to become possibilities.  In a few short words I open up my heart. 

In doing this, I’ve found that I get a chance to meet new and interesting people.  

Something different happened this time.

With my heart open, and accepting of the path that the universe was putting at my feet, I had the opportunity to meet and interact with someone who seemed to ignite an incredible energy in me.  The energy reminded me that I am responsible to find my truth, carve out my path to follow my dreams and make the world the most amazing place to be in for myself, and others along the my pathway.

They had me question everything about what I have done, am doing, and will do. They’ve got me obsessed with how the universe is setting out the path and how after all the rough patches along the way it seems clear to me now that things will begin to get better.   The shortest way out is through. 

I’m going to see this person again, and I expect they are destined to be a part of my journey in some way, even if I haven’t figured it out yet….

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Hanging out - Feeling Like I'm Proud enough.

I'd like to start off by saying that I think having pride in oneself is important. Coming together to celebrate that as a community is also incredibly important. However, I think it's important to qualify that with the condition; "when it's genuine."

As we roll into June there are a variety of festivals taking place to celebrate all kinds of diversity. As we roll into the events that take place it seems like everyone and their dog (literally in some cases) are coming out of the wood work to be friendly and encourage attendance.

Over the past few weeks I've had a barrage of unsolicited invitations to various events on social networks, by text and in person. To the point where I'm closing event reminders daily (sometimes multiple times a day) to things I never accepted because social networks “conveniently” add them to my calendar automatically.

Now, to explain why I don't participate.  Reason number one is lack of time/energy. That one is self explanatory and before someone jumps up and says "reprioritize" wait for reason two.
Reason two, a general lack of interest as a result of a variety of things. One of them is, I don't have an interest genuinely in the events taking place. Another could be, I've got nothing to wear (seems trite, but relevant as you read on.) Finally, I'm pretty introverted and don't really enjoy rolling solo to an event where I don't know anyone (but that's the only way to meet people you say? Keep reading.)
Now as we boil down my experience I can sum it up succinctly by saying, "I don't feel like I want to belong to this community of people based merely on one aspect of who I am.  There are many more interesting things about myself than who I get intimate with."

A few things about me many people are surprised when they find out:

Cool stuff
  • I Speak three languages
  • I ride a motorbike
  • I remember things triggered by dates, smells, and music. It's nearly perfect memory when it happens
  • I like the sunrise and sunset
Not so cool stuff
  • I have depression with an anxiety booster
  • I don't like who I am when I'm in certain situations (mostly group social settings) 
  • I'm vicious and ruthless when I'm on the defensive, so I'm constantly thinking if someone is intentionally being a jerk or if I just ignore it. (Exhausting) 

So, coming back to festivals and community. I don't fit. It's not my community, it's a community of people bound by one small facet of their being. It's a festival that brings people together for a week, likened to lent, where they try to make up for all the mean spirited things they have done to each other over the past year.

I've never seen a group of people with so much disdain for each other that they are ruthless in their bullying, relentless in their torment and with zero regard for peoples feelings in their interaction.  I mean, when was the last time someone in your community made you feel so excluded because of your sense of style, a hairstyle, the outfit you had on, or your physical appearance. I've seen it happening, dealt with the fallout when someone else had been beaten down so badly they were inconsolable, it's happened to me, and regrettably I've done it to others as well.

After having been on the sidelines for the better part of a decade now, (Relationship and recovery) I find myself facing some of these challenges again on a daily basis with people from the community.  I’ve all but given up, because for every 40 conversations, you end up with one that is notable and worth pursuing a friendship with.  Genuine and confident people are the cats ass.

In the meantime, I live in a remote, fairly progressive community.  I’ve begun socializing with people locally now, because I seem to have a higher rate of success in meeting genuine people.  I don’t hide who I am, and I encourage any questions people have and make it a point to respectfully answer most of them.

This experience has taught me that I don't need to go and be a part of a festival with people who are strangers to me. I have friends, neighbours and family right here at home that are becoming a larger part of my day to day life. I appreciate them, they build me up, I build them up. It's beautiful.  It's how it should be.

So, until I feel like the community of strangers decides that they need to build each other up consistently and genuinely in order to celebrate successes rather than challenge people to failure. I'm out! (See what I did there)

If you need to find me, I'll be drinking beer with the people close to me who don’t care if I’m wearing designer labels, or matching socks.  This is where I feel at home, and a part of something that I had been trying to find all along.

To everyone out there celebrating this week, stay safe, love each other inherently and without limits, each and every one of you is unique, and amazing!  Even the mean ones... You're just shielding yourself. I get it, I did it too. I hope that one day you find a place where you can set your shield down too. 

Monday, May 23, 2016

When you run out of time and base camp falls apart

There comes a point where you start to realize that you're only a man in a silly red cape.... no wait... that wasn't where I was going with this.

I've been busy lately getting basecamp sorted out now that the snow is gone.  I've been moving things around, seeing all the damage of the winter to my various equipment.  I'm wondering what I need to get done in the next few weeks to make this summer season a success.  I've been running this base camp for 24 months now, and It doesn't appear to be getting any easier.

It seems that my suppliers don't have any interest in helping me either, so I'm here running around on my own doing things.  To say the least I'm feeling overwhelmed.

What's my plan?  I don't know, maybe packing out, and rejoining society.  I would have to shave and get a hair cut.  I did manage to put together some hard shelter and make myself a work space.  It's not too shabby.  I had a chance to have a photo taken, I figured I should share it with my wonderful follower, but I can't get upload to work, so that's no good. Oh well, next time.

Monday, February 8, 2016

Paulo takes a vacation....

So, I left base camp. Well I traded in base camp for a temporary base camp. One with warm weather, palm trees and an ocean breeze. 

It's a struggle for me to be out with the general public. Much less to be around tourists, and even worse is being treated like a *gasp* tourist. I'm just here to people watch, see if I can have a conversation. Heck, even would like to have the courage to walk into a bar alone and order a drink. That seems minor but it's a pretty tall order considering where my head is at. 

My main struggle lately has been with self confidence, and that lends itself to disappointment, which lends to anger, which lends to depression. That's my psycho-babble on why I am so "unique" as someone so eloquently put it. I'd like to say I'm the strong silent type, but really I'm the strong silent types retarded third cousin twice removed; weak chicken shit type. 

So, here I sit in my current spot on a yellow bench of a busy corner feeling somewhat like a hooker past retirement and watching cats go by that are sure to have more interesting adventures tonight. 

I've had a lot to think about in the past 21 months. I don't know if I've gotten anywhere, maybe just self aware. That can't be that bad can it?  The trouble is, I am who I am, I won't apologize and I won't hide. There's no point. The truth comes out eventually. 

So, back to if I will find a place to comfortably have a beer alone not knowing anyone. I'm more likely to stop at the corner store and get one then drink it as I wander aimlessly down the street. 

I have to break this fear, if I can't break it then I'm not making progress. Everything is intentional, and everything has meaning. I'm here for a reason and that reason might just be to break this anxiety and grow a little bit by stretching my comfort zone. 

Maybe I'll find a nice local that will change my world. Because that would be wise. I'm still not there.

Two hours later I'm having my third beer at the second bar. I feel like this is a small victory. I've had a conversation with someone who sells rental properties, and a bartender who thinks I'm hot. #easywins

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Vivian Ward

I recently met Vivian, they showed up after a few weeks of planning and we spent an evening together at basecamp. Nothing monumental, just two people sharing each others company. 

We shared some silent moments, made some small talk and generally stumbled through some awkward silence.  It wasnt long before our mutual chemistry bonded and we were gently moving closer to each other.  They found it easy to get cozy and snuggle right in after a few short hours. 

As we talked and gently touched, Vivian looked at me for a bit longer than a glance.  I clearly picked up on some energy and as we locked eyes, Vivian said quietly, I dont kiss reclusive mountain men sorry

So, you wonder, where the hell does that leave you?  Youre essentially Richard Gere in Pretty Woman wondering how much this night is going to cost you, and you think about tossing your guest down the cliff face and moving on with your regular evening of trapping squirrels and skinning them for kebabs.  No, you push through, and accept the information that seems somewhat unsolicited at this point. 

Your curiosity gets the most of you by this point and you ask, Well, if you dont kiss reclusive mountain men, what do you do?”  The response, comes without a flinch and they’re giving you a laundry list of interests that almost reads like a menu.  You want to ask, “My choice?” but you resist. 

Fast forward to the next day, when they’re still hanging around basecamp, and you don’t really want them to run away because after all, you find out that they do in fact “Kiss reclusive mountain men”

Send them home, you’re faced with the torment…. Is now the time to come down off of this mountain, or should I move basecamp again to secure my location?  Who knows, lets see if Vivian finds their way back to basecamp. 

Anyone know where to rent a limo in the mountains?  I might need it if things go the way they did in Pretty Woman. 

I’ll always love you, care about you…. for the next 2 seconds then i’ll be completey self involved again.

Recently, I found myself injured and was unable to actually communicate with the outside world.  One of my “handlers” took it upon themselves to contact loved ones on my behalf in concern for my safety.

I wasn’t aware any of this was going on, I was in a coma, so really it didn’t matter.

During the frantic attempts at contacting people, somehow, in the infinite wisdom, the handler felt it would be appropriate for someone out of my past, a lover, to be contacted about my well being.  Really?  this is the same person that I can credit with my current obsession of being in basecamps and the constant movement in my life. Yes, I have an idea, lets call them.

I am somewhat shocked about the way this all went down.  This individual, the former lover, in our last conversation professed that they will always care, and have a love for me.  However, upon receipt of the news that there was concern about my well being, they consciously made it fairly clear, confirming my suspicions really, that their words mean shit. I don’t mean the kind of shit that one finds on Andreas roof deck, I mean proper shit.

Maybe I just need to stop expecting people who were never honest to begin with to be honest at the end, much less to follow through with actions that match their words.

Black hat sends word by Carrier Pigeon

It wasn’t long ago that I wrote about Black Hat, Pink and Sparkles…..

It was even more recently that I received one of the most bizarre carrier pigeon messages.  Even more bizarre than some of the messages in a bottle that I’ve received from navy folk.

Yeah, It’s black hat, asking you why you wrote a blog about them, and then proceeds to hit on you because well you know.  That’s how you get back at someone for documenting a moment in their life.

I need to move farther into the bush.

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Venison and a Proposal

So the past few weeks have been pretty solid packed with work as the season comes in and you realize that you left a lot of crap on the snow to get covered with more snow, and then when it melts, it’s like the whole place is littered with all kinds of garbage that you need to take care of, and some things that you forgot you had, or were searching for relentlessly in the snow. 

Spring came and went, without much to-do.  It was lovely, I did some venturing around.  Now summer seems to be upon us, and as we move along and the days begin to shorten there is so much that you need to do to keep on things.  This doesn’t mean the curve balls and twists in the story of life are any different.  It means that you have those in addition to other responsibilities. 

Earlier this week, I had a run in with some wildlife, really not all that uncommon when you’re wandering in their territory.  I mean they go wherever they want to and do as they please.  So it was no surprise to me when Bambi came trotting along into my path and ran me off the trail so she could get where she was going.  Needless to say, she didn’t get very far, and I had some fresh venison for my rations.  I would need to make sure it was properly cured so I could store it.  So I made some jerky and other things for my hiking excursions.  

As time sort of just blends together here, I spend a lot of time thinking about what the people in my life that have come and gone are up to.  I think about some more than others, I think about some daily, and others periodically.  The interesting thing about this is, when I think about people daily, I tend to not reach out to them as often.  When I think about people more periodically I’m more likely to call, write, or drop in on them.  I have this oddness about me that maintains connections with people fairly well and maybe even uncomfortably for some.  I like to let people know that I’m thinking about them because you never know when that simple action may change their day.  I also love when people do it to me. So feel free. 

The person I think about the most is my most recent ex.  They're the reason I feel the need to be isolated.  Well, it’s not all their fault, I was present in that whole mess as well, so I’m here because of me.  They were just the catalyst for the need for me to be where I am.  

That said, I have a friend that I think about constantly. (See: Thorn in my side Post)  I’ve loved them for over a decade.  We parted ways as young men on our own adventures.  We’ve reconnected over the years several times socially, and there has always been an unspoken and spoken desire for us to pursue that possibility.  I’ve been giving this a lot of thought over the past few months and I am getting to the point where I don’t think I can move along unless we do pursue that option.  I’m holding myself back from saying that out loud to them because logistically and financially it could be disastrous, we don’t live anywhere reasonably close to where we can make this happen easily.  I’ve rationalized everything about this person.  Their attractiveness, our interests, their drive and ambition and how it would make me feel more driven. I learned in the past that I don’t want to compromise for someone to the point where I don’t recognize myself anymore.  I am finally stable where I am and enjoy the life I’ve built for myself.  I don’t know how to introduce that to them, nor do I know if they would even share the interest. 

I have a feeling this conversation will happen this weekend. I hope so. It’s time, I’m ready, and it needs to be resolved. 

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Dancing on my Own

So I recently heard a song that I absolutely fell in love with. It's called "Dancing on my Own" and the version I fell in love with is the one by Kings of Leon. 

I know it's tough to imagine me as a big sentimental guy (well maybe not after the past few posts) but there's something about the pain in the singers voice that just kills me when I listen to the song. I know what this guy is feeling. 

The lyrics are "I'm in the corner watching you kiss her. Im right over here why can't you see me......"  I mean it's your standard torn up heart, longing for that person they can't have. With that said, let me introduce you to some people that haven't come up yet in this blog. 

I met whistles a few months back, at a time where I much needed to meet whistles. We became close quickly. I know there were times where they wanted to throw me off a cliff face, I was a bit needy (read: a lot). To say I don't love whistles would be a lie. I absolutely love them. I credit them with being instrumental in saving my life from a bear that was attacking me. So, yeah. I owe them a lot. They know this, yet they constantly say, "ain't no thang!"  

Well when someone saves your life you either forever feel a debt to them that will never be repaid or you fall in love with them.  Obviously, both are true in my case because I'm the exception to every rule. 

Knowing that I'm capable of great love, and expect the same in return I keep my distance and watch whistles quietly from the corner, so I can be there when they need me, but I'm at a distance and not interfering.  Aha! Now you get it. 

I don't know what role whistles plays in my future but at the moment I'm glad that they're playing a role in the present. I try to take any chance to hang out and have a few laughs. They live a few ranges over so it's hard for us to connect. I'm not sure what that will look like going forward as I come down off the mountain, but I expect it will grow more and more solid as we settle into our life paths. 

The journey is the adventure, not the destination!

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Thorn in my side

So there's been a song that's been on every playlist and disc and mix tape I've made since 2001. It's not my favourite song, it's a song that no matter where I am, or what I'm doing I think of the same thing. It's a memory, a fond one. 

The memory is a time past where everything was uncertain and the road ahead was limitless and exciting. I remember exactly where I was, who I was with, and the symbolism of the music. 

I've tormented myself with this music for nearly a decade and a half. The unrequited feelings that I've had for the person I was with. Knowing that no matter what I do, that person will always have a portion of my heart and it will belong to no other. 

So, what do you do?  Well in my case (our case) you try to carry on with life, you attempt to have the same feelings for others. Always in the back of your mind wondering where they are, what they're doing and if they're thinking about you as you are them. 

Pretty powerful stuff, and I'm sure you're wanting to know what song has been on every playlist since the advent of MP3 but I don't think I'm going to tell you. 

So let's cover off some of the nonsense that has happened as a result of this chunk of my heart being reserved for someone that was kept at an arms length.

First of all, I've kept them at an arms length and as a result I'm sure they've had a more difficult time moving on than they should have. Sometimes it's important to let go and allow someone to move on. 

Secondly, because we have maintained contact over the years, there has been awkward moments that you try not to acknowledge but you both know they are there. You avoid talking about them because you are afraid to resolve them. You fear resolution because you will either walk away feeling empty because there's nothing more than the status quo left, or there's a whole lot more to the situation that will make it complex and instantly confusing. 

Thirdly, you see them doing well, you avoid throwing a wrench into their life, but you look at all the things that you want and you see them with the very values and hobbies that are important to you. You resolve that you're living life in tandem but apart. 

This is tormenting, where do you go. Over the next few months I resolve to address this issue and resolve the conflict for both of us. I have no idea what form this will take, but it needs to be done. I remember one point where they asked me to let them go, so they could live. I did what I needed to do to accommodate their request and a year went by with no contact. Since then, it doesn't seem that anything changed.

Do the lyrics of that song have an eternal symbolism of the relationship we are destined for, or am I being overly analytical. 

Paulo out!