I was recently invited to be in a polyamorous relationship. I said no, I feel like maybe the response came as a shock to the individual.
There are a few very interesting thoughts that passed through my mind when this “Opportunity” presented itself. Before I get into those, let me give you some background.
A few years ago, before I wandered up into the mountains, I was fairly seriously involved someone I can only describe as the Ying to my Yang, to say we had our differences was obvious. It was very much a classic Notebook tale. Except neither of us wrote letters every day, nor built the other a house in the blind faith that someday we would come back together. Yeah, it was nothing like that. There is always an end to each great tale, ours ended with a conversation around being in an open relationship. Let me list off some of the reasons why an open relationship doesn’t work for me.
- We did not have a strong enough relationship to support one. (We didn’t know how to talk)
- I’m insecure
- I believe that open relationships are a stop on relationship cycle before single.
So that’s that.
Fast forward a few years, and I have met a few more folks, and have gone out with a few more people as a single person. I’ve learned some more about myself and confirmed the old truths.
- I’m not wired for casual sex (might be why an open relationship has no appeal)
- I am a hopeless romantic, which is tough in a hook up culture
- It’s easier to be alone, than unhappy.
Now, you have an idea of where my head is at with respect to dating, sex, relationships, etc. Pretty conservative I would say, I’ve never denied that.
Now, I feel it is important to explain the differences between polyamory and an open relationship.
Polyamory, is when one or more person in the relationship wants to love more than one person at the same time, both emotionally and physically. These relationships can get very complicated, sometimes, there are three people, sometimes there are twenty. Sometimes, all members are polyamorous with multiple people. The web gets quite woven. It really just sounds like a big orgy, one person at a time. One of the observations someone pointed out is that it is not uncommon for the person who declares themselves as polyamorous in the relationship is territorial and doesn’t wish for their partners to be unfaithful. Hardly seems like a “What’s good for the goose, is good for the gander” type of situation to me at all. So, where does that leave the other parties. Sitting around waiting for some love and attention on the terms of the polyamorous person? Hmmmm, yeah, if I’m going to sit around and wait by the phone for your love, I’ll just download tinder and wait for someone to match with, and i’ll message them. They’ll talk to me on their terms as well.
An Open relationship is one where a couple who are together decide as a couple that it is okay for one or both to partake in physical relationships with other people outside of the confines of their relationship. Or within it as a threesome, etc. These types of arrangements aren’t terribly uncommon. The folks in these relationships do cause for some clutter when it comes to swiping on apps. I have found in a number of cases the people involved in these types of relationships sometimes hide their relationship status so that it doesn’t prevent them from attracting sexual partners. That crosses over into morals and ethics, which is a realm I don’t feel i’m exactly qualified to venture into. Considering I’ve cooked rodents in the mountains and served them to guests.
Coming back to the offer of polyamory just recently, there has been someone who has been occupying my time for the better part of a few months. We have expressed feelings for each other. We have shared intimate secrets with each other. We have an intense emotional connection. Well, that’s how I felt until the other day.
This person which I expected knew where I was at with all of the things above, decided that they wanted to invite me to be in a polyamorous relationship with them and others one of them being their ex. They stated that the felt they can not bind themselves to just one person, and this was the best they could offer me.
Well, frankly, what would have been a better offer would have been, “Hey, lets be friends, because I can’t offer you what you want. I want to be free to love who I love, and I know you wouldn’t want to be a part of that, because as a person that knows who you are, and has been listening to your views for how long, I was actually paying attention…” as opposed to “I can’t bind myself to only one person, and I have my ex back in my life, and I don’t want to choose between anyone, because it tears me up, so you should come play sister-wives with us…..”
I don’t know if this person gave a lot of thought to what responses they would get. I also wonder if they did present everything in this way in a classic effort to push the people away more easily and without it seeming like it was their fault.
“I didn’t push you away, you didn’t want what I offered…..” is quite possibly the rationale for this person.
So, my response was very carefully thought out. I knew this conversation was coming and had a week to prepare myself for it. I should have just responded, “No Thanks” and called it a day, but I felt that they put some effort into their explanation to me, and I should return the effort. So, I simply told them I knew how I felt about things and that this wouldn’t work for me, I also made it very clear that I don’t think there would ever be a possibility of any type of intimate relationship together. We would never be a couple, even if they changed their priorities as this would always be some form of want for them and I would never feel comfortable binding them to me.
So, I’m looking for some boring assed person, who will sit around and knit with me, while watching Netflix, or whatever. Someone who will tell me when I smell bad. Someone who will laugh as they ask “are you okay?” when something stupid happens to me and my pride is hurt more than anything else. Monogamy is non negotiable, I don’t like sharing the goods. There’s a pile of people out there that will give you exactly what you’re looking for. I’m very aware of what I can offer.