I've been getting bounced around a little bit by the universe lately. For some reason bad things tend to happen when things aren't on the right path. As long as I follow my instinct and stop listening to all the other garbage around me, things tend to progress fine.
But, what fun is that right?
I mean how does one have a story to tell if they just sorta go with the flow and don't make some kind of memories? You will never have a story to tell if you don't get a few bruises.
Well enough with the fucking bruises. It seems like at my age it takes longer to heal from the emotional bumps and scrapes than it takes to make them. The guard might need to go up with respect to how I feel about people. It's one of those things thats there, or it's not. What I know is when it's there it's has the intensity of a thousand suns. (Say that in a voice over voice.)
So the universe keeps tossing these things on my pathway, maybe to determine where I am at, or maybe my guardian angels are up there at the bar looking at each other and deciding that they're bored and want to play with every sense of balance I have.
I know that I've been down a similar path before, and I know how it goes. Hmmm, I believe this is my third viable attempt at this. So is that it, three strikes and you're out. For all you football fans there's a nice little sports analogy for ya. Do I give up? Well I made that decision a few days ago. Subconsciously.
I'm about to admit to something I'm not incredibly proud of. I slept with someone that I wasn't emotionally connected with, in an effort to break an emotional connection to someone that I shouldn't have an emotional connection to. Yeah, that was probably the dumbest thing I've done this year. Cause it doesn't work, that's why it's dumb. What's worse, I feel like I cheated on someone that I'm not even in a relationship with, because I have an emotional tie to them.
See? Isn't my head a fantastic place to be? I wish I could charge admission to tour it, I'd pay to wander around inside what is likely very akin to charlie's chocolate factory. Picture it, a bunch of oompa loompas running around all zapped out from anxiety, depression, and crying or laughing, or being so over the top laisser-faire about most things. Yeah that would be magical alright.
Back to me being a typical gay dude, and doing what normal gay dudes do all the time. Shaming myself for something that I really shouldn't feel any shame for. The guy I hooked up with was pretty hot. Somehow I manage to attract some gorgeous guys. I just don't really know how to keep them..... maybe I'm not supposed to.
Alright, well back to the pseudo, in my head, not real boyfriend/relationship I think I have to be faithful to. I'm guilting myself for being unfaithful, but then, I get mad because that's not a thing. Yet I'm still upset, and I'm being distant with the guy, who likely won't care anyhow that it happened. If he does care about it, there's not really much either one of us can do about it unless we feel like maybe it's a good idea to shorten up the distance between us. That's unlikely.
So, I'm pissed at myself for no reason, and I sit and think about it more. I'm not pissed at myself. I didn't do anything really wrong, or against any rules. I'm worried, insecure, and nervous that he's doing the exact same thing, and when I find out about it I'll be jealous, upset, devastated. So, now I'm talking myself through that, and the rational side of my brain says, "So what? he's not yours..." then the other side of my brain says "yes, yes, yes, I know, I know......" and you go back and forth on this for a day or two until finally...
You just admit to yourself that you really want him to be yours, the reason you want that is because you're tired of being strong all the time, you want someone to pick up the pieces and put them back together. You've spent three years collecting them and putting them in a box. You don't have them all sorted, but someone else can glue the broken pieces and they did start already without knowing. They started mending you, and you felt good, and because it's been so long since you felt that you craved it. You want it so bad that you would move mountains and stars to make them see how right you are. But, you're overlooking something critical. They aren't ready. You pushing is selfish. You have to let go and move along, however you do that. It's not that time. It's not your time. You still have to find that one piece of the puzzle before the doors to the next level will unlock. (Yes a video game reference from a non-gamer)
So, chill the fuck out, take your foot off the gas, and just do you. You are still too broken to find the right person. You might never not be broken. You have Stockholm syndrome, not Nightingale Syndrome. Don't trade them. Get rid of one.
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