Social anxiety sucks goat balls. I used to be able to socialize with people and not care how I came across. Now since I've grown and had the experiences I've had, I worry constantly that I'm being misunderstood. Work issues with people taking what I've said and misunderstanding but never explaining or letting me know that something I've said bothered them.
Another huge part Is a result of years of emotional abuse (I maintain that they weren’t aware they were doing it, and I didn’t notice until I was out, so lets put the pitchforks and torches down people.) I have PTSD of some sort when it comes to socializing and being around people.
This manifests itself in the form of anxiety (which I’m really fucking good at hiding.) There’s a continual fear that if I go out on a limb I'll be rejected, which is something I feel is more of a reflection on me, as opposed to a reflection on the other persons inability to see how fun it would be to hang with a bat shit crazy dude.
There’s a majority of self esteem, body image, and psychological trauma issues that play into all of this and make it worse. So, I constantly wonder, What's the answer? Avoid? Not really. But forcing myself to be in these situations is fine unless I'm not in control of it. Tonight I'm sort of in control but someone else is here with me so it's not really a control I have because I don't want to leave so early that they would have a shitty time. Right, that’s guilt, and needs to be dealt with separately.
So, you might think that's stupid but I need to expand my comfort zone in these kinds of situations so I'm standing in a corner writing about it making it look like I'm texting someone and I'm really important. Works for me I guess. I don’t really text anyone, the reality is, aside from a couple of people I don’t really have what I call close friends. I’m too much of a flake for that.
There’s another factor here, that is occurring in my life, so as a result, my mind is racing and trying to read the last chapter before the first. I'm talking about the Handsome guy I went back to visit on the deserted island that he's inhabiting.
The emotional/desire side of me just wants to jump in full force and go for broke. But, he's like me in the way that even if he wanted that too it's irresponsible to just dive in. I don't want to say it will be the greatest romance of my life but I like thinking that it could be. Already there I've got too much hope for it all. He is on a journey of his own and getting in the middle of that would interfere with his ability to find the path that's best for him. I need to make my own plans and hope that the paths cross. I'm already drawn to make plans that might put us on paths that could cross so I have to remove that from the equations in order to be honest with myself as well.
That's the wrench in the machine that seems to always happen. What's the best solution? Disappear? I could, is that fair though? I'm good at it. Would it hurt any future chance? Would it kill the flame? I want a love story like the notebook, is that unrealistic. The man for me will bring that love to the table naturally, and I will feel full of love. If this ends up posted, it might mean that I'm disappearing, which is for two reasons.
- To give me clarity to find the perspective I need, or
- To give you the clarity and freedom to work through what you need to work through to find your truth, whatever form that might take
Trust me, if I go, I will reappear at some point and we can see where things are at that point, if something changes for you, come find me and sweep me off my feet and begin one of the greatest love stories to ever be told to the whole wide world.
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