Tuesday, July 25, 2017

It's all coming back to me now.....

When you can’t think of anything to talk about, but you want to just fall off the face of the planet for a while and be alone.  Yeah, that’s partly what I’m feeling right now. 

I’ve got so many things distracting me lately, but none of it is enough to actually distract me from being hurt, disappointed, or impatient.  The beautiful person that you know you want to be a part of your life, has said all of the right things to make you feel like its heading in the direction you want it to go.  You’re optimistic, and you even have the conversation about what the reality of them being a part of your life looks like.  All really real shit… Then, radio silence?  What the fuck?  

So you try to pry in and figure out what that’s about, and you get some back pedal story about the way they feel and how they’re worried about breaking your heart and theirs.  Maybe, just maybe they know what they’re talking about, but you suspect it’s more likely they didn’t know what the impact of what they were saying would have and once they started thinking about it they either got scared or something better came along.  

It all hurts the same, regardless of the cause.  So who’s to blame?  You, for believing and having faith?  Them, for not knowing what they wanted, or for being distracted by the next thing that came along?  Or is it really faultless?  Seems hard to not blame someone when it all feels so shitty, so you try to talk your way around it.  The crap about emotion is that logic and reasoning have no place here.  You don’t get to talk your way out of emotional pain, you just have to go through it until you adjust and it dulls. 

So, where do you go from here, it seems that the more open you are the more it hurts, the less open you are the more likely you will be to miss the boat. It feels like you can’t win.  So, the solution.  Distraction.  You buy a house and you fix it up, you start a project, you do things that are interesting and you see if they make you feel like you’re doing something productive with yourself. 

Keep doing what you love, and making the love, your faith will pay off.  This is the process.  You have no other way to learn but to go through this. 

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